My Beef with Dark Romance

First of all, dark romance tends to be very poorly written, it's mindless wish fulfillment with flowery words and a complete disregard to making believable or interesting characters. I value characterization first and foremost in writing, it's the thing I get the most invested in and I immediately notice if the character's lack proper development or are poorly written.
Pretty much every dark romance story I've ever read didn't understand it's characters AT ALL. This is shown by how so many stories in the genre follow a clear victim/abuser dynamic, while the narrative insists there's more to it while showing literally NOTHING to clue in any depth.
It shows a complete lack of understanding about what love is, which is pretty detrimental when you're writing in the romantic genre. Love can not co-exist with a complete disregard of that person, you may feel warmly towards them inside, but love exists to be expressed, not suppressed. That inner warmth is also utterly boring unless it's from the perspective of who's experiencing it. The contradiction of a characters actions versus their feelings is almost never explored nor implied in most dark romance stories, and when it mentioned, it's used as an attempt to force the reader to root for an abusive shithole.

Instead of exploring broken or mentally disturbed people and how it can affect your perspective, desires, urges, and actions, it blindly romanticizes mental illness and/or abuse in general. It's appalling to read a story that claims to represent obsession, then only shows this watered down depiction through the perspective of a victim who clearly doesn't want anything to do with it. This story can only work as genuine horror, yet these writers insist they're portraying this "deep, alternative expression of love and romance," while you read the most shitfaced piece of your life that couldn't have been written by anybody but a taboo worshipping moron.
These people clearly don't understand the depth of psychology or how to write a toxic, complex romance story. These people also don't know when to draw the line between genres, I'm not saying your book can't exist, but if it's going to follow a relationship that is completely evil, twisted, and unsalvageable I don't think it should be in the romance section. The romance genre is used for wish fulfillment, you can have a story that focuses on romance, sexuality, and love without it being a romance. There are so many dramas that follow relationships and how messy they can be, why can't it be the same for horror? It doesn't have to be a romance to portray an abuse relationship, in fact it SHOULDN'T be a romance if that's what you aim to write.

(note, I use he/him to refer to a typical abusive character in dark romance, and she/her to refer to a typical victim in dark romance. This is because using different pronouns means I don't have to name them or constantly write out "the abusive one/the victim," I know that not every dark romance has a man as an abuser or woman as a victim.)
"He's obsessed but he loves me!!!" Then the alleged proof of his love is that he does things against your will, ignores how you feel or what you think, makes every decision for you, and completely dehumanizes you. You're literally a trophy for him to stare at and project on and somehow people say this is love? This is pure obsession without any ounce of love underneath, no commitment, no attachment, he doesn't even know you and he's not willing to get to know you. If he did, he'd throw you out because you aren't his perfect fantasy. Usually the couple only stays together because the plot needs them to, it never makes any sense or feels earned. Obsession like this isn't built on anything real, their entire relationship is a fantasy created in the abusers head. It's not this desire for another person that's just so intense they can't contain it!!!! No, obsession like this is completely self-serving, there's no consideration for the other person, only that you will have them. It doesn't even matter who the person is, because again, you don't actually want them, you want to project a fantasy through them. It wouldn't be so controlling or dehumanizing if you actually valued them as a person, you'd want the other person to be themselves and make their own decisions if you did.

Thing is, I love a creepy, darker romance! But with nuance, character motivation, and when love is actually involved. I can't help but think these writers have no idea what obsession is, they've clearly never experienced it. The complete objectification and confusion it causes, the lack of reality while being trapped in your delusion of what a person could be. Constant excuses for a partner because you can't see who they are, you don't want to, you just want to pretend they're perfect. You lose yourself in concept of a person that doesn't exist, you project that onto your partner and it drives them away because they can tell you don't really see them. It hurts more than anything to realize the person you were in love with never existed. You created them in your head, using the face of someone you hardly knew.
I also never see representation for how obsession can lead you to be victimized. Sometimes, instead of controlling someone else, you silently project and excuse everything a person does that doesn't align with your fantasy, and end up staying with abusive people who don't love you. You convince yourself they're perfect and refuse to accept that they're horrible to you. This is still a toxic trait, even if it's a situation where the other person doesn't really deserve your love. It just goes to show how obsession isn't really love, it's a complete disregard of reality and fixation on something that doesn't really exist. This doesn't mean that obsession cannot co-exist with love however, but it's pretty clear when it is and when it isn't. If it co-exists with love, there will be conflict, there will be effort and wholesomeness along side the self-serving, impulsive, and thoughtless acts caused by obsession. This is where dark romance should be, the in-between of love and obsession, the conflict found when you want to consume someone, but you also want the best for them.

I'm writing a dark romance story, where it tackles conflict between genuine love and obsession, and how mental illness can complicate your romantic love and how you show your feelings. Both parties are mutually obsessed, but It's not blindly romanticized, they're both called out by the narrative and themselves. They never fully change or switch to having a normal, wholesome relationship, but they do find acceptance and learn self control.
It's totally wish fulfillment, I mean one of the characters is literally just me, and her love interest is everything I could want in a man, but I try not to let that get in the way of me writing a genuinely thoughtful and engaging story.
Their names are Jackson and Maxine (wow so creative I named her after me!!!1) and I make them fight and do annoying shit that pisses me off because if I made their relationship perfect I would get bored instantly.
Their relationship changes over time too, and the first phase is pretty normal actually. It's very sweet and wholesome, they go on dates, do grand romantic gestures, but even early on there's this lingering dread from both of them that they're trying to ignore. As their relationship continues, they become more emotionally invested, but this also means their symptoms start to show and drive their actions.

Jackson has tendencies akin to a stalker, he has the need to know where his girlfriend is at all times, he wants to be as close to her as possible, he feels the need to be surrounded by her even if she can't be physically present. His obsession takes the form of fixation and possessiveness, he can't stop craving her and it drives him to take desperate actions that are risky or even unethical. He starts taking pictures of her without permission, collects small items she's touched, follows and watches her when he's not supposed to, etc. He feels a constant guilt eating at him when he gives in, but it's not enough to get him to stop. He's not happy with himself, he feels rotten, but the obsession feels like it's going to kill him. The constant thought of her is destroying him, he can't get anything done, it plagues him. These things ease the obsession, making him feel comforted and relaxed again. Problem is, the more he engages with these urges, the worse they become. He goes back and forth from giving in to doing everything he can to stop himself and be better. He has to learn to control his urges, while accepting that these tendencies may never fully go away.
Maxine's intense love and admiration for her partner can shift to hating and insulting him quickly. For Maxine, obsession means turning her partner into her purpose, using their approval as a replacement for internal validation. This means that if he were to leave her, she would completely come apart, so she tests him a lot to feel secure. She's tormented with the idea that her partner doesn't really love her or is going to abandon her. She's used to betrayal, and is constantly looking for signs that it's happening so she can protect herself. This leads her to act out impulsively, say things she doesn't mean, and will hurt herself to make him feel guilty. If only she wasn't haunted by the idea he will betray her one day, if only she wasn't constantly worried he would come to hate her and leave her forever. She constantly asks for reassurance to try to prevent an outburst, but she's relying on a sense of security that won't last, because it isn't coming from herself. She needs to learn be to be stable and form a stronger sense of self, as well as practice reassuring herself without his help.

The main conflict for the story is entirely character driven and comes from their internal struggles. Both of them can be incredibly toxic and unhealthy, but they're both aware of their issues and try to control them and warn the other person. Despite how different their struggles look, they relate to each other because of that feeling of powerlessness and lack of control. Their relationship isn't the best, but for where they are mentally it's about as good as it gets. They have to force themselves to take the proper steps towards recovery, and encourage each other even when they're mad at each other. There's this underlying genuineness and kindness despite their relationships dark veneer, THAT'S what makes it a romance.