Crazy VivaFriends Drama!

Alright so recently I’ve moved to a bigger city, and have been going to this Japanese conversation club, which has a meeting every month. This is a long post, so I’m just going to cut to the chase. There’s this really attractive guy there; for the sake of semi-anonymity, we’ll call him KTR. At the end of March’s meetup, I ended up going out for dinner with him, as well as his friend, H. Most of the time KTR was very quiet, and when he did talk, he almost always spoke to H, rather than me directly. However, we both had to catch the same bus home, and so as soon as it was just him and I, one on one, he just opened right up. It was like magic. We were actually having a really good conversation… and then the 5 minute bus ride ended, like abruptly and unwillingly waking up from an amazing dream.

So anyways, I’ve been buzzing over that interaction for the next month or so, and am desperate to capture that same feeling again. And so for the next meeting, I put a bit more effort into my appearance; nothing obvious or extreme, but like I tried doing softer makeup, wearing a slightly lower-cut shirt to show off my collarbones, taking a bit more time on my hair, and so on. Once I got there, I was lucky enough to be seated right across from him (!!!!!).

My adrenaline was going insane. I could feel my heart in my throat and I was sweating so bad (literally, I went to the bathroom and my clothes were soaking wet, it felt like I’d put them on straight from the wash). My hands were fidgety, I was suuuper loud and chatty, and I was anxiously running my hands through my hair constantly.

However, I get this thing where I get REALLY cagey around people I like. As in, I don’t want to talk about my interests because I’m worried they’d judge me, and I don’t want to ask about their interests because I’m worried I’d look like an idiot if I don’t know what they’re talking about. Which is probably why every time we tried talk it felt like trying to force two mutually repellent magnets together.

You know who I was talking to? H, his extroverted friend who was sitting right across from me. I was still doing all the flirty shit because I was in the presence of KTR, but I was doing it towards literally everyone; it just so happened that I was talking to H the most.

And the worst part? The interactions with H were actually really nice. Turns out we have very similar sense of humour (we even made the same joke simultaneously at one point). He’s very nice to me (almost weirdly nice), and I think he might like me. We spent a lot of time hanging out one-on-one, and I could definitely imagine H assuming that my “flirting” behaviour was directed at him. And there were many moments that I could imagine being interpreted as “romantic” from the perspective of somebody who likes me, and thinks that I like them back. Whereas from my perspective, while it was a nice evening, it really didn’t feel much different to an evening with any of my other friends.

When it comes to KTR, I sometimes feel as though I’m the only person he refuses to talk to, and I wonder if maybe that’s because he feels similarly shy around me as I do around him. But then maybe he knows I like him, and is actively avoiding me because he feels uncomfortable. He could be gay; he could have a girlfriend; he could be keeping his distance because he thinks H and I are sweet on each other. Or maybe he just doesn’t like me lol. That’s possible too I guess XD.

This ambiguity is driving me insane, and ordinarily the advice is to ask a mutual friend about them. But then it’s not like I can ask H about him, because what if H does like me? If that’s so, then confessing my feelings for his best friend is probably the worst thing I could do. Honestly, I don’t even think hearing “yeah, I’m just not that into you” would hurt anywhere near as much as “sorry, I’m not into you, but I am VERY into your best friend!”.

I feel like complete shit, because H is an actual angel. He is quite possibly one of the nicest people I have met. I feel as though I could tell him anything and feel comfortable that he won’t judge me or think anything less of me. He seems to be pretty aligned in values, basically the same age as me, and is reasonably good looking. I’d hate to hurt him, and almost feel inclined to “give him a chance”, so to speak. But also like, I really don’t feel that same “pull” the way I did with KTR.

I guess if there’s one good thing about this whole situation, it’s this. I’d always assumed that my problem is that I am just really out of touch with my emotions; that I struggle to tell whether I find someone attractive, whether I like them as a friend, or whether I just find them really cool. But if anything, this whole thing with KTR has shown me that I’m actually way more in touch with my feelings than I’d thought, because that feeling was unmistakable. I just felt so weirdly touchy (not actually touching but just the urge) in a way that I don’t feel around any of my other friends. It’s embarrassing, but as the bus was approaching, I was secretly hoping that it would be completely full, apart from two seats next to each other, so that I’d have an excuse to sit really close to him LMAOOO. And like, as much as I try, I really don’t think i feel that way about H. Logically, I know that I should, but then I really don’t think that’s the sort of thing you could force. Even if I did come around eventually, I really don’t think it would be right for me to be with someone when I am actively lusting over their best friend. (At the same time, maybe H really does just like me as a friend, and I am thinking way too far ahead).

It’s funny because I’m really not even looking for a relationship; I guess I’m borderline aromantic in that way. Even in my most intense states of infatuation, I don’t imagine getting married, having kids, or even really staying together in a long-term sense. I guess that’s also part of why I feel weird making any moves; is it really fair to get their hopes up when I don’t have anything to offer in the long-term?

Really, all I want is some clarity, and maybe some of his time and attention. A cuddle would be nice, but I’d honestly settle for any kind of touch. But I don’t even know how I’m going to get to see him one-on-one. H and I are so close now that I feel like there is not a single situation where he and I could be one-on-one without it being very weird for H.

Normally this is the kind of problem that time would fix, but time is the one thing I don’t have; I’ll only be in this city for two more conversation meetups, then I’ll be returning to my hometown for a month or so before heading off to study abroad.

Perhaps this is just one of those situations where nobody will get what they want…