meaningless

i used to be very active on spacehey blogs, but i cant quite bring myself to share anything with the world anymore.

for the past year, a thought has dragged on i havent been able to find the answer to it.

memories, an artpiece you drew, a new song youve discovered, music youve made, interests that consume your life, a cute bag youve bought, a good grade you got, a bad grade you got, a time youve been really happy, or a time youve been sad, or disgusted with the person you are, things that are all in all made by you or are special to you. are they truly important or meaningful when they arent known or even given any thought by other people? ''well of course, even if a certain memory is shared by everyone, or even if no one else knows about it, what happened is unique to you and you alone.'' but thats where it ends, doesnt it? how does that make it special if it doesnt make a difference? such thoughts have consumed almost anything i do, and with the very little selfworth i have it doesnt feel like anything i do is worth anything. good or bad. i mean, nothing ive done has changed anything, even in the small world of the place ive spent my life in. everything feels worthless. neither can i inspire or share anyone else because im alone. 

ive shut myself out from any social life, even online, and my lack of any sort of input to anyone or anything has made me so utterly worthless. theres a lingering thought that itll stay that way. any word i utter out is from this hollow shell of a human, so what does it matter what i say.

all i am as of now is a number that adds to the human population, nothing more. in a sense, that lessens the pressure i have as a human, since i dont have any crushing expectations of me, but what completely overpowers that thought is how scared i am of being nothing.

im scared that this is all ill ever be, live out my remaining life in a room im too undeserving to leave, a school full of people i hate, and wherever else ill be when i have to become an adult.

i wanted to write it down to maybe reach a conclusion, but im still not very sure. im not a good risk taker. thats all.