dpdr

i was born quiet and anxious. maybe i remember laying in the crib. i remember feeling myself fall down and hit the bed, startling awake. i remember changing in the bathroom and feeling so exposed and gross, like i'd die if i didn't leave. Once, i woke up in the middle of the night, too see a figure looking at me in the mirror. It was terrifying, and i jumped back in bed. I was probably about 12 when I first saw the candles somehow growing taller, then smaller. then the walls would melt down, or breathe with me when i was crying. the first time i smoked, it was cool because it was so familiar, minus the part where my brain wasn't functioning well enough to handle it well. when i stared into space, it was just the weed. i found a couple words online that felt important. the studying i did proved it, then i was just left alone with this information. when did the depression start? Then at the park, i felt like i was in a dream. perfect to deal with the discomfort of a hand down my pants under a tree. the sky was so beautiful that night. i'm not sure at which point i realized that nothing felt actually real. Like i'm always living in a memory, playing out in my future self's head. if i remember a dream, i'll remember it forever. and when i'm upset or stressed, i watch the ground stretch up and away. i think there were a lot of points where i just wasn't truly present. on purpose or not. was it being drunk or being threatened that turned down my consciousness that night? i felt so unreal at the end of 2018, i wondered if dying would wake me up. but then i felt raised by the heavens, feeling saved. life didn't feel anymore real. sometimes it just sits under the surface, where you just barely notice it. sometimes it puts everything into a moment- it's protecting me. the last time i felt that was in that accident, and when i left i dont know if i came back. it's getting stronger with it's manipulation. I know it's there but i don't know exactly how it is. when i look at an object and feel like i'm looking at myself. i can feel me with me; Could it be because she's next to me, rather than ME?