hiding, manifesting . . .

unfortunately, i have been manifesting in poor spirit. i have had an abundance of opportunities thru out the past 2 years n have sabotaged myself, i am really disappointed :( n more than anything the lack of gratitude ive had for all the good things to come, out of fear, does not align with who i am nor my internal values. its ok for me to thank people, write words of affirmation to express my gratitude, its my fav way of showing love n ive simply kept my rawest feellins in drafts. i never had problems expressing it before. n ive been showered these pst 2 years with so many wonderful ppl i met, that ive learned and embraced the different languages. gifting - i used to find it manipulative, but now more than ever i adore it. i had someone who expressed their love thru gifts and i will do the same as well. the gift of giving is truly a blessing.

my character has been sullied, and i am going to make amends and return to the highest, kindest version of myself, that is loving and open to loving. anyone who says otherwise, and undermines my will shall see!!! returning back to a destructive, coping mechanism has damaged me n hurt others i care for... i really am upset. <3/3333

i do not have the time for insecurity, woes, and such. i must align completely w others who i aspire to be like, and always have. rejecting it causes cognitive dissonance, and the gap between who i am, n who i want to be, rgowd wider. the gap, when it is so visible, truly saddens me. i am a blk (now 20yo) hyperfemme lesbian, who is gyaru ! i must remember tht. n appreciate the communities i am in for they nourish, and nuture me. i want to do the same, bringing the level of wholesomeness, and love that ive experienced to the table with my own contributions, and collaborations w others.

i regret so many things that happened this year, i know exactly where to start,  and i a never taking this life, this comm, and this opportunity for granted.