they only talk to me when they want to fuck - blog #3

May 8, 2026

It's not like I care, well, maybe I do, but sometimes I even enjoy making them waste their time. It's just that it disgusts me when they say and pretend they actually care about me; it feels wrong, it makes me want them to mean it.

I have no hope of being loved, so I always play along with anyone who's even remotely willing to give me a little attention.

I consider myself a mostly decent person, but yesterday I did something pretty immoral. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not. I really don't want to be a hypocrite, but I feel so alone that sometimes I ignore things that shouldn't be ignored.

I'm very disappointed in myself, but at the same time, I don't amend my actions. I'm really acting badly right now, and while it might be considered not so serious, what does that say about me? That I'm going to be willing to ignore things in the future just to feel a little desired? I disgust myself quite a bit. At least I haven't hurt anyone yet. I wouldn't forgive myself if I did. I saw the red haired girl in PE class the other day. She's pretty. I wish I wasn't such a coward and could talk to her, but I know that's never going to happen. What would she think of me? Would she be disgusted? Would she be annoyed by my presence? I'd rather leave her alone and not bother her.

This wasn't a great start to the month, but I'm still alive for now. Goodbye.

-Chueco.