Visions of a New Chapter

I got prescribed Zoloft today, unsure how to feel about it. Happy, I guess. I'm happy that I will finally have something more concrete that will (hopefully) work and help me improve and be a little more normal. However, a large part of myself feels like I don't deserve it. Like I'm a fraud, like I didn't suffer enough to earn an easy way out of my mental prison. This probably sounds a little crazy to say out loud, but this is how I feel. 

I am also on the precipice of a major shift in my career, one that would give me a large enough pay increase to fully purchase a new car every year. It's almost unbelievable. But, everything comes with a price, and that price is the possibility that I will be in the same place mentally I was in last year. To make a long story short, those were some of my darkest hours. 

I see a vision of a man, who chooses this 'correct' path, who is prosperous and comfortable, who is miserable and stifled. I see that man and I am unsure if I want to be him. To walk along the carpet that has been laid out in front of me, would be to extinguish every little flame of passion burning inside me. It would turn me into a person I am unfamiliar with. 

Truthfully, I do not think I am all that familiar with myself. I have spent so long pushing it off, that now I am here rushing to catch up with everyone else, while at the same time picking up the pieces of myself that I chipped away. To return to that position scares me, and what scares me more is the feeling that maybe that is my destiny. Not to be a great, but to be the man that sold his soul to die comfortably. 

I have always been scared of the unknown, like any other man, but now I fear what I know best.