Life, feelings and emotions are very frustrating

There’s something that’s really pissing me off rn that I can’t say here in case they see

I don’t think anyone im close to reads these tho so I’m safe ☝️😼

Forgive me if this is bad grammar wise it’s almost 2 am

I’m kinda happy rn just relapsed back into the hetalia fandom

Yes I will talk about it like an addiction if you know you know

Anyways 

Emotions are hard

It’s not that I don’t feel, I do, all the time it’s that I don’t know what I’m feeling. Like it’s so much at once and not necessarily what I’d describe as a specific emotion 

So like an example from the other day when I was really depressed I was also super happy confident and joyful. But like sadness won out in the end. It was a constant flip flop between like I don’t even know why I was sad. Thinking I wasn’t liked? Then looking in the mirror going “fuck I look good” then back to thinking bad. To crafts. To nothing to sad to happy to singing to distracted to sad and flip flop

Then like yesterday I was singing my heart out smiling enjoying the sun and having a great time but I was also really sad that whole time

I guess I just never noticed when I felt two things at once

Normally when I’m happy tho

I get like really happy and it makes it feel like I was never sad and that that will never happen again that I’m not depressed 

I don’t even know why I’m fuckin depressed! Like everytime rn it’s because I feel like my friends hate me and don’t wanna talk to me. So I pull away. And like I get so lonely. I often feel very lonely and ignored when I’m not being talked to all day every day

But like I never used to feel this? I used to be so happy on my own. 

Like sure I had friends I talked to a lot daily but I also did a lot on my own and had a good time where I wasn’t like happy but I wasn’t sad. Or I was happy. Or I didn’t feel anything 

That’s neutral tho

I think it’s cuz I had hetalia back then a constant distraction to force myself to feel something 

The only way I could cry back then was over fanfics

The only way I could make myself super happy was through hetalia stuff.

Idk

Idk bro I need someone to talk this out with

Like I love being around and talking to people constantly because it forces me to be happy

I like having control over my emotions 

I can normally fake and or force myself into a decent mood around people 

Emotions are also super hard to catorgize but that’s something for when I feel like ranting I’m so tired it’s almost 3 am I spent 2 hours scrolling hetalia 

Anyways I keep my friends in a list and I had an incident with my bff but I don’t think she moved

Idk she’s not neurodivergent or aware of them. She’s like popular conservative girl so I don’t like entirely blame her

Also NEW EMOJIS DROPPED

Top-

6- my bfffff (no emoji) eh well- here 👁️

5-

4.5-👾

4-

3.5-🩸

3- 💜

2.2-💥

2-🌎🤠

1-🧸🧛

Yeah lost a few

It was when my friend group broke up

Well that was a while ago just never updated my blog lol

So current list! Thinking of moving 💥 down idk pmo lately

My lack of communication yes? Kinda but I know I’m in the wrong but it’s also my feelings lol they don’t know and or care so whatever they hate me anyways

I know too many purple people

How do people even make friends these days im so bad at it I don’t think I’ll ever click with anyone I’m just too boring and uninteresting ugh

Anyways I’m tired I should sleep

I 

I 

Don’t even know

I want therapy

But my mom won’t let me

And I’m too broke to get it without help