“I am anything but”

I am anything but safe.

I built a fort with shaky hands.

I drew a sun and called it grace.

I tried to follow his demands.

I kept a thorn under my tongue.

I thought the quiet kept me young.

I am anything but clean.

His fingers carved a map of rot.

I scrubbed my thighs until they screamed.

The water turned to what I’m not.

My ribs were counted one by one.

He kept the count when he was done.

I am anything but brave.

He said “shhh” and killed the lock.

I learned that no one comes to save.

I learned that god is just a rock.

I stayed inside that room for years.

I ate my screams. I drank my tears.

I am anything but true.

I told the moon “I’m fine” each night.

The moon is false. The moon is you.

I smiled until my face felt tight.

I smiled until my jaw went numb.

The quiet made my throat go dumb.

I am anything but whole.

The mirror shows a shape, not me.

There is no self. There is no soul.

There is just what he left to see.

He took the map. He burned the light.

He made a home inside my spite.

I am anything but blessed.

The god I begged is full of shit.

He watched me crawl. He watched me plead.

He watched the man perform the deed.

His only gift was watching more.

He let the monster through the door.

I am anything but warm.

His weight resides under my skin.

I cannot hide inside a storm.

There is no place he has not been.

I am the cold he left behind.

A hollow shape. An empty mind.

I am anything but free.

His fingers are my own two hips.

He pours his silence into me.

He lives inside my fingertips.

I do not move. I do not shake.

I am the choice I did not make.

I am anything but gone.

I tried the rope. I tried the deep.

The dark just pulls me further on.

The rot just eats. The rot will keep.

I am not brave. I am not dead.

I am the floor beneath his bed.

I am anything but found.

I am the lost and found of none.

The buried thing beneath the ground

that no one digs up when it’s done.

I am the stain. I am the sheet.

I am the smell of his gross feet.

I am anything but numb.

The clock just ticks. The sun just sets.

I am the race I never won.

I am the toy he won’t forget.

I am the scratch inside his wall.

I am the nothing after all.