My Health —{IV

Been thinking lately about whether I’ll be missed or not when I die. I find little reason to live anymore. I ripped open my lip a few days ago and it still hurts to do anything with my mouth; talk, laugh, cry, everything. I feel so powerless knowing I no longer can speak for myself without having to endure pain. My mom probably hates me, as I heard her and my older sister in the other room talking shit about what I wanted to be in the future. I hate myself. It’s not fair that I am the runt of the family and everyone else is so much more successful than me. I don’t deserve life. Have you ever heard of Solomon’s Paradox? It’s when someone gives advice but doesn’t use that advice for themselves. It’s how I feel. I can give great advice to others, but I can’t bear to listen to my own advice. I can’t even give advice anymore because of the pain in every word I utter. How much longer will this pain last? I want it to end, I don’t want pain anymore. My entire life has been Sisyphean, I don’t want to roll a boulder in vain anymore. I have no more friends, everyone around me is finding love and all I’m doing is falling behind. Am I hideous? Or is it that no one wants to love a runt mutt? I just want to fall asleep with someone, awake once more with them by my side, knowing they’re there for me. I want someone who will comfort me when life becomes too fast and too loud. That won’t come. Not in my lifetime or in a million more. I give up looking for love because it only pains me.