I wish I were more asshole

I think the reason I envy or like asshole and bad boy/girl characters because I wished I was more confident and charming like them. Yes I'm a lot more confident now or so I act. I was pretty meek and struggled standing up for myself since I've been a kid, I had trouble speaking properly and still kinda do and I don't exactly act like a very organised person. These mean characters can be as mean as they want and they feel no regret. I think it's worse when I'm with girls, I can be as mean or rough as I want with guys but with girls it's different I get a little awkward. I kind of find myself always giving up things for people and convince myself that I didn't need it that much anyway so it's fine. I'm a little pathetic

This doesn't mean I have never done asshole things though I've done mean stuff and regretted it later.