What is love...?

hi

if u havent noticed in my bio i dont have zulai as my crush anymore n my bsf disappeared from my bio aswell(more is below abt this)

WHY IS LOVE SO FUCKING CONFUSING?!

luv is so confusing because of how people betray u in ways even tho u thought u luved them

 i have met some1 in 3 months in the early months of a school year n its been a month of talking 2 her and u start 2 become her friend (her name is Mariyom plus she is a hijab girl and not white but light skinned but idm :))

she eventually became my bsf in 5-4 months of hanging out w her

then a couple weeks ago she started 2 force her religion on me knowing damn well im spritual n when i vented 2 her she said "u r a ex muslim?! turn back to allah and u should tell ur parents 2 get disowned instead of pretending! u lied 2 me of being a muslim thats why u dont cover ur body and hair!" she exposed my diaries i trusted her w and she gave them to her fuckass mom n sent them 2 the school abt my self-harm (used 2 do cuts but now i quit) n some gore and grief n how im not muslim

the diaries also had info abt how im pansexual instead of straight

4 my crush she is black with jet black curly hair in twin buns (im tan) was always blushing and sitting at lunch w me and also was obviously in love w me 

i developed a crush on her

she was different unlike the rest of the girls/boys/non-binaries/all gender pronouns n she wasnt pick me or mean and she had a unique personality with respect for me

one day at school i asked her out but she said no

i was slightly sad but there r more people in the world i might meet

what really made me sad was that...

she bullied me and said that im pathetic and people only love me for my pointy pecs and hip-dips and that im a slutty loser ass bitch

I cried all fucking night...