Day 2 - 21 Day Project

hi 

today is day 2 of this “project”

today actually wasn’t that bad of a day mentally speaking

i definitely had some shit that got to me early in the day, and had thoughts of picking back up my habit of self harm, but regardless i was able to shut it down pretty quick instead of letting it consume me and it leading to a physical action 

now i’m very unsure if this is me actually being strong mentally and blocking out these thoughts, or if it’s to much for my mind to handle so the thoughts are being forced to be numbed by my brain 

the only negative i can take away from today is the night. for 2 years straight i have had some of the darkest thoughts when my body is supposed to be at its most peaceful. these thoughts (and occasional actions) are what led me to even start this project as i felt it was all becoming too much for me to handle 

this is more of a tangent and not pertaining to today but for most of my life i feel like ive always been the back burner, the person who’s not anybody’s first priority, js a general feeling of not really being cared about enough for anybody to really stay down with me , or love my imperfections and flaws that make me human.

in the contrary i’ve always loved those flaws and mistakes  that really make a person unique, so when i havent ever really felt it reciprocated it puts my mind in a pretty dark place. 

but that’s it for today i’m sure i’ll have more to say tom