Maybe I'm not made to be loved.

I've always felt somewhat distant from the idea of ​​being loved by others, referring to romantic love, since I feel that my friends love me and are always there for me when I need them—at least the closest ones. Family love is a more complicated issue; perhaps I'll talk about that in more depth in another entry. Getting back to the point, I even feel loved at work. I feel that they genuinely care about me, want the best for me, support me, and even listen to me when I'm having a bad day.

However, the concept of romantic love has always been a complex topic in my mind. To give you some context, and as it says in my profile, I'm an aroace bi-oriented person. Basically, my sexual and romantic attraction is very low, almost nonexistent, which has made me feel distant from the concept of being loved, and it's strange. Have I ever been in love? On rare occasions, being neurodivergent (ADHD), I often find that my brain gets fixated on something or someone, and I think that's essentially what happens to me. Because when another fixation occurs, I magically no longer feel "attraction." And in general, trying to explain love to me is something my brain simply can't process. It sometimes frustrates me because it makes me feel detached from other people. For me, the most meaningful love is friendship, but not many people see it that way these days, and that makes me deeply sad. On a positive note, my current group of friends understands this, and that's why they're a safe space for me.

On the other hand, it also adds to the fact that I haven't been physically or personality-driven attractive by the standards of the city where I've lived. Therefore, I'm not the first person people notice, you know? It's not something that bothers me; I don't want to have to associate with people who don't share my views on life. I think that's fair, and I'm clear about that now that I'm twenty-two; I have no doubts about it. However, it's impossible not to feel like an outsider among all these people, and that makes you feel isolated in a way. I like being alone; I don't like feeling lonely.

These are the things I've been thinking about lately. While I don't feel that need to be with someone romantically, and I also have an avoidant attachment style, sometimes I wish I could go out with someone, have coffee, receive flowers and good morning texts. I'd like to experience those kinds of things, even though I'm clearly aware that receiving that comes with all the good and bad of being in a relationship, which I don't think I'll ever achieve. And yes, I know I'm still very young, I haven't even turned twenty-five yet, but these are thoughts that sometimes come to me when I see my former classmates getting married or having children, while I'm starting a job and occasionally going out to eat by myself. I love going on dates with myself because I don't have to share with anyone, and I hate spending money anyway.

Could this ever change? Yes, it's possible. As a devoted follower of absurdist philosophy, I know quite well that life is incomprehensible and absurd. Trying to find meaning in it can lead to a discomfort I honestly prefer to avoid. My story with philosophical currents will be a story for another time. For now, at this moment, on this day as I write this at my mom's office (she asked me to help her today), I think that maybe I wasn't made to be loved romantically, and perhaps I'll never find my soulmate. But it's not the end of the world. There are many other things I can do, and I know I'm not completely alone. I think that's the most important thing.

And if you feel similarly to me, I want you to know that I love you like a stranger from the internet, and I'm sending you a hug. Life still has so much to offer.