Newtons Third Law.

Today is May 3rd, 2026.

May fourth, i suppose, at the time of publishing this. 

Tomorrow is my Ap exam.

I am not prepped at all. 

I have combed the book, done flashcards but my poor memory has failed to aptly retain anything ive learned. I cant come back in one day, not like i have years before.

I have no one to blame but myself for this fact, it is my own fault, attributed primarily to my own laziness and poor habits that have brought me here.

Im curled up in my closet. I have finished crying for about the tenth time now.

In these few moments i have contemplated myself. I am about to fail. its inevitable, i am underprepped and overwhelmed. There is a very slim chance i will come out of this exam with a five. Yet something persists within me,

I wrote of this feeling before for a school project, but to be honest, i am positive i didnt ameliorate my feelings the way i wished. 

In the face of the inevitable failure, i feel something nag at me. I am at my lowest, struggling with this year long depressive state, at a complete stalement with my art, and having social problems that seem to perpetually worsen. Yet I am compelled to continue. I am driven to keep going. I am going to fail, but id rather throw myself in head first than back away, and shy from the unchanging. 

What is victory, without trebulation. What is winning, without a loss. Its an impossibly beautiful symbiotic relationship, one that flourishes in the turbulence of life, recovering with vigor, and strength from the ashes of all that is hopeless.

Death without life, love without hate, victory without loss. These are the yin and yang that make up humans. the duality of mankind is something ive always admired, a striking reflection that can be found within all.

It is so strange, that, knowing my failure, knowing the outcome of tomorrow, my only thought is to continue. Get up. the words i have told myself during every plight that has torrented me. 

There is such a beauty, in this hour in my closet, alone and overwhelmed, in the simple will. The inherit desire to keep going. I could not tell you where that stems from, but I wish to know one day as much as you. Maybe its survival, maybe its something far beyond that- more magical in nature. I would tell you if i knew. 

Whatever happens tomorrow, I will be proud. I will keep going. 

"Get up, youre worth more than this. You will never know your best, if you never know your worst." 

NotAZombie out.