diary of a fat skater (internal thoughts)

To live in the modern world, you must abide by the current unseen rules that society requires you to follow. These rules exist in different forms: social cues, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, etc. I could talk about all of those forms, but I am currently fixated on one-for that one seems to also fixate on me: the modern beauty standard and the crushing weight of having to constantly navigate your way around different videos, websites, and articles on how to perfectly alter your body and face in order to be socially bearable to look at.

The way I see things, unattractiveness and peace are two things that are impossible to coexist in the same timeline. Well, of course, it's quite hard to achieve peace when you're ugly-especially if you're fat. The attractiveness scale of your face is immediately terminated when you are fat. You cannot be pretty when you're a big person, for there will be constant snide remarks that trail after you on whatever road you walk.

When you're a person outside of society's ratio, you'll face nothing but simultaneous advice and comments on how to lose weight and be "healthy." Throughout life, I have lost the very definition of the word "healthy." I am uncertain of what it actually stands for. Is being skinny the only key to opening the door to a healthy life? Is weight loss really necessary to be considered healthy? If so, then does it mean that no matter how much you exercise, eat your greens, avoid chain smoking, and steer clear of alcoholic beverages-if you still have a big tummy, thunder thighs, love handles, and double chins-if you're fat, you are still in a state where your health is declining?

If that is the case, then that means all fat people are doomed to die and are just counting the days until they are laid inside their triple-extra-large coffins and buried six feet under and away from the world... If that is the case, then I must be dying, then.

Even in the aspect of personalities, fat people are limited to accessing only a few characteristics. Your weight limits your attitude. A prime example of this is how the media portrays fat celebrities and characters. They are often the ones who cast joy toward the dull uprising of a narrative. They are the fat funny friends, the comedians, the only ones who radiate positivity in a film or show. It is not deemed interesting if a fat person is depressed-otherwise, they are just considered the annoying ones; the ones who are least liked by luck... those whom beauty resents but comedy seems to favor.

I've tried to convince myself that I don't care-that I'm above all this. That I don't need anyone's approval to feel at home in my body. But the truth is, it gets exhausting. It's hard to love yourself in a world that insists you are only lovable under certain conditions. When every glance in the mirror feels like a negotiation. When going out in public feels like performance art. Eating a meal in front of others feels like proof of guilt.

The beauty industry thrives on insecurity. The wellness industry thrives on shame. Both sell transformation not for the sake of health, but for the illusion of acceptance. They have convinced millions of us that we are "works in progress," that we must shrink ourselves to fit into a mold that was never meant to hold diversity in the first place.

But what if we stopped trying to be "bearable to look at"? What if our goal wasn't to be seen as beautiful, but to simply be seen-fully, wholly, as we are? What if health could mean presence, joy, flexibility, connection-things that can exist in bodies of every shape and size?

I don't have all the answers, and maybe I never will. But I do know this: we deserve to live lives that aren't measured by our reflection in a mirror. Maybe peace isn't found in changing ourselves to be accepted, but in learning to exist without apology. And maybe-just maybe that's enough.