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MAY 3:
as my freshman year has finally came to a close, I am very conflicted. Tbh, I am gonna be 100% honest I hated my freshman year of college. I’m finally done on Tuesday thank God. I’m very glad it at least ended on a high note.
The growth and character development arc of my freshman year of college was a necessity of my life. And it was one of the first real sustained sources of resilience in my life. Yeah I was resilient from trauma in my life earlier, but never in my life did I have ~10 months of continuous endless adversity day in and day out I’ve overcame. I started my freshman year and started my second semester from the depths of hell, and now I’m doing better than that.
I’ve been looking back at my life through writing, memos, photos, etc. and DANG I’ve matured like CRAZY lately. I’ve changed so much in about a year’s span that I don’t even recognize the man in the mirror from before (mostly in a good way.)
First I wanna start with my emotions. Prior to when I started college, I was VERY emotionally volatile. I apologize to my loved ones who’ve dealt with the “alpha testing” version of me. I was immature as I was a teenager & facing severe untreated PTSD due to extreme trauma. I wish that those who I care about, can see the new version of myself. In the past, I used to be like the planet Mercury. I was very impulsive & compulsive OR I was completely numbed and dead inside emotionally. Now, I’ve gained the emotional discipline to be at an equilibrium. I’ve also used to lie often about my emotional state due to poor communication skills and a fear of being a “pussy” where I’d shut down entirely or lie saying I was “fine” when internally I was walking in hell. Now I’m extremely outspoken about my TRUE feelings knowing it’s extremely difficult at times. I remember in the evolution of my memo series “bottled thoughts 1-6” I started off saying “nobody gives a fuck about how I feel because I’m a man…” I still hold by that belief with these, BUT I feel better that I have a designated audience (who may read this perchance) versus bottling it up to the void. Writing I’ve opened up about things I said I’d take to the grave such as interpersonal relationship pain, sexual assault trauma, suicide, genuine joy, frustration with school, PTSD, etc. (I’ll later talk about deeper things I wanna focus HEAVILY on growth as I’ve been contemplating about writing this for 3-4 weeks now.) As a man, I noticed how RARE it really is to be so openly transparent about how I feel than bottle it up until it turns to depersonalization. It’s rare for men to talk about super painful things, but it’s vital too. I’ve learned healthy communication skills and healthy coping mechanisms. I wish as a 18 year old, I would say “I’m scared of you leaving me so I panic and accidentally act defensively because I’m scared” or “I’m not “listening” because I’m extremely dissociative but idk how I feel, I never felt like this before but I don’t feel “real” and I’m scared, but I care deeply about what you’re saying I’m just not present and idk why.” Or would say “I get nightmares of being sexually abused like when in football, so I get angry and I don’t know why of men I perceive as “dangerous” and I’m not a violent person.” Or “I get clingy because I love you but never was loved much so I don’t know how to express it in a healthy manner” etc. Instead of it destroying my relationship by causing tension of someone who loved me but couldn’t reach me and me exploding out of fear of abandonment + worsening mental health. I wish at the time that I could’ve EXPLAINED how I felt instead of shutting down or being so emotionally disconnected that I had no way to make it coherent. Now as a 20 year old almost, I’m WAY more literate emotionally and I can and have explicitly mentioned what I feel in a deep detailed manner. This skill in my opinion, single-handedly kept me alive in extreme emotional pain or extreme dissociation. If there a skill of the most value that I’ve picked up in my freshman year that is it. I used to be so “stoic” in the past where I used to be aware people didn’t like or respect me so I’d just stfu and bottle up 10+ years of how I felt. Until ~mid 2024 when I cried for the first time ever in front of someone in my life, the first time I’ve ever expressed deep pain or sorrow or anything. I used to be very emotionally ugly where I was so incoherent that it was nearly impossible to understand since I had to unlearn 17 years of shutting the fuck up. I’ve learned over time that you can’t ever kill your emotions as what you run from hawks you down eventually. But just as importantly if you don’t have the emotional intelligence to express how you feel, you’re calling into the void. Similarly, my emotional resilience is SO much stronger than it used to be in the past. I grew up as someone who was suicidal virtually my entire life from ~11 years old to 18. And I had very poor emotional resilience in the past where I would fantasize about suicide (and would later act on it years later) or would completely get nuked and shut down for months after XYZ traumatic event happened to me. Lately in the past couple of months, I still fucking hurt but I do a much better job at dealing with it. I try to fight tooth and nail for inch by inch than set myself on fire and take 100 steps backwards after a traumatic event. I am now the person who takes the fall (hurting and significantly shut down for weeks/months) then be the dude to kill myself to cope with trauma. After a suicide attempt on February 18 2025, I made a promise to God that I would never try to kill myself again and I’ve stayed true to it. I’ve been through hell since that day where life has been BRUTAL to me (10x from what I was used to) but I’ve been a diamond in the pressure versus a house of cards. I’ve been resilient to a EXTREME degree in my life I’ve been faced with adversity that I know most people can’t fathom (don’t let my socioeconomic background fool you) yet I’m still standing, I’m still alive and I will be successful in my life. I’ve also become a MUCH more empathetic person lately. I’m not gonna lie, earlier in my life (teenage years) I was COLD and hollow. I was someone that had almost no empathy to people like I wasn’t “mean spirited” but genuinely felt next to nothing about people in general. But over past 2.5 years I’ve transformed into a empathetic man. I’ve become a listener (probably the WORST trait I’ve had singlehandedly turned to one of the most common compliments I get now of my character.) I’ve become a deep feeler where I’ve been such a empathetic person that I cry when people I care about are hurting, genuine tears too where their pain is my pain. I’ve been a deep feeler where I can come up with solutions to problems in the people I care about lives, BUT also just give simple emotional support if there is no answer than just cold & calculated solutions. I’ve become someone who’s radically transparent to those who seek out information about me or who I care about. I used to be a firewall of mystery (I don’t mean in the nonchalant way, I mean put a goofy personality and people wouldn’t even know a tenth of what I’ve been through in my life.) to someone who’s very real and hides nothing about the internal state of my mind. I don’t lie to be polite. Nowadays I have no issues in saying no, I have no issues in saying “I don’t like you” “I hate you” “I like you” “I love you”, etc. I say exactly how I feel and I hide nothing. One of the BEST things that’s changed in terms of my own self preservation, is that I STOPPED doing dumb impulsive shit like I used to do as a teenager. When I was a teenager, I used to spend all my money on dumb shit and be BROKE, or I used to constantly leave school mid school year (valid reasons for my safety but impulsive nonetheless and avoidable if I didn’t funnel into people’s drama or crashout due to bullying issues.), I used to crashout often and do dumb shit out of extreme emotional overload or distress (my sophomore year & later senior year), I used to just say mean things for no apparent reason (like really no reason not even to be a dick, I still don’t know why I’d say it there was no motive it was just absentminded.) etc. If I was still as impulsive as I was a teenager, it could’ve EASILY ruined my life as an adult. I’ve mostly now as an adult stayed to lay low and shut the fuck up when needed. (Real shit, I’m extremely lowkey in college, I never give out my # or socials, I don’t get involved in people’s shit, I don’t hang out in public at all, etc. I’m just quiet now…) Emotionally I’ve become a wiser person all together. I cringe about the old person that I used to be and I’m in genuine shock of why I was the way I was. I believe that now I’m a trustworthy source of advice as in several circumstances I’ve “been there done that” versus having the experience but not knowing wtf I’m talking about. Or choosing the higher road where now I forgive those who’ve wronged me than wage vengeance openly (I forgive all people except one person I will never forgive under any circumstances), or instigating shit I didn’t need to like in my freshman and sophomore years. Or being SO naïve I would fall for traps of people taking advantage of me or get stopped for traps by those who care about me. I’ve softens in the ways that matter (empathy, caring, being a good human being) but hardened in the ways that matter (not taking shit from people, being desensitized to violence/chaos, being less naive and more woke.) I am grateful and glad of the character development God has given me, pain was the currency that’s fueled this development arc. Without pain, I wouldn’t have the catalyst to grow and continue to grow as a man. I wish that those who’ve known me in my past who aren’t in my life could get to know me again one day, and I hope that they can see the growth that I’ve made. :) I also hope that those in my life can notice and be happy for me of the growth that I’ve made as a person.
MAY 4: yet another part of my redemption journey has been the growth of my character. Growing up I had no moral compass, I was easily shaped and manipulated by my peers and environment and my moral compass was what I seen as “cool” or what “everyone else was doing.” I was a pirate with no loyalty (loyalty as in moral loyalty to God & higher powers) and no moral compass to base my life on. I wasn’t “evil” but I had no compass as I was malleable like any child but was molded by the worst environments outside my home. I wasn’t scared of God, I wasn’t afraid of consequence, I could give less of a fuck who I wronged, who I screwed over, who I cut off etc. I was truly lost and lawless. In my later teenage years (16-18) I’ve developed my core fundamentals “I’d never cheat on my partner because it’s evil & my mom has trauma from it as it destroyed her side of her family and I’m never disappointing my mom.” “I’d be devoted to my partner and I’d never have wondering eyes and that “playing” shit I used to do prior (meaningless talking stages for ego) dies permanently once in a relationship” “I’d never have hookups or sex with someone who I don’t love” “I’d never exploit or take advantage of the vulnerable” “if I love someone I’m genuinely going to change and I’m going to evolve of a man” and “God forbid if I get someone I love pregnant I’d NEVER be a deadbeat father as I’m not destroying a child life.” etc. I held true to these promises still to this day even when nobody is watching, but the problem at the time early on I was a dick. I think I was a mean person at first tbh. I do believe thinking back at me as a teenager I was a asshole. I was a person who would take my frustration out on my loved ones, (especially my mom, but for a sad reason where when my grandpa died I blamed myself unfairly for his deaths and lashed out on all my loved ones for telling me he was gonna live but he died and me at 14/15 couldn’t comprehend that.) I was entitled when I was younger where I believed I NEEDED XYZ (mostly in sports), I was very selfish and self centered in my desired only caring about myself, I would lie a TON and unprovoked lying where I would lie about very stupid dumb shit for no reason at the time. (but was extremely honest about the bigger things) I also cut off a LOT of people I genuinely cared about (like one of my best friends and this permanent created distance to my best friend at the time in my sophomore year.) overall I do not believe I was a good person from 2021-2023. However God put some sense into me when I was 17 years old. I was angry at God and completely lost my faith after my best friend at the time, a cat named Mela, in my arms screaming in pain dying from septic shock from a lung infection. I remember that night on December 16 2023 screaming at God in my front yard crying my eyes out why he’d let this happen and take my childhood companion away in my arms when I thought she was gonna live. (Sorry I got a little emotional writing this 😕 this still deeply hurts 2.5 years later from the extreme guilt I feel.) weeks later, (January 2024) I met who would be my first girlfriend and first relationship and this relationship over the span of a year really helped me find God again. I was very disconnected prior due to extreme traumas I’ve faced as a teenager (multiple sexual assaults, watching extreme violence in my school, having people try to kill me, seeing pets and loved ones die, etc) it was as like waves hitting a beach eroding my faith over time. Until a seawall was set up protecting my sanctuary from the world. I started to BELIEVE in God again, I remember I “believed in a God” but believe God was completely apathetic to human struggling and didn’t gaf. Then by August, I was praying often and praying regularly and reading the Bible for the first time in God knows how longs. Unsurprisingly as I’ve gotten closer to God, my morality changed. I used to only keep my morality in what people thought was cool (money, power, sex, attention) and it was always the “thing I wanted that I didn’t have.” To later over the next 24 months merit, humility, love, respect to others, faith, kindness etc. God changed me from the inside out over time. As of today, I don’t believe I’m a dick anymore. I really don’t believe I’m ANYWHERE from the same person I was as a teenager, I don’t even recognize myself as that “boy” no more I’m a MAN now. I have had people in my life tell me that I’m NOTHING like when they’ve first met me, and that I’m a much better person than when they remember meeting me. (my best friend told me this) I’m not a perfect person, I’m FAR from it and I’ve got problems like everyone in the world. But I’m glad that I’m a much better person than before and as long as God keeps me alive I will evolve in this life. I am grateful of the changes I made I went from someone who was mean, cold, objectified women, very spiteful, angry, secular, immature, impulsive, and undisciplined. To the man Ive become over the past 2 years; faithful, loving, honest, serious, resilient, kind, caring, self aware, humble, etc. The biggest shift in my character overall, has been my mentality. I was a VICTIM in the past where I had the most cemented victim mentality of all time. Everything was someone’s fault. Sprained ankle = curbs fault, poor planning = my parents fault, trauma = their fault (well this actually may be the only valid one), ignorance = systems fault, etc. everything was always someone else’s fucking fault. I can imagine how insufferable that must’ve been looking back at it. Now as an ADULT, I take full accountability for what happens in my life, and even the things that are super messed up and out of my control I take responsibility for how I respond to it. Being a victim is SO exhausting, I’m so glad that I finally grew up and locked in. I’m so glad and so grateful of the character growth God has given me. The truth is as a man, nobody gaf about what you go through, ain’t a SOUL is gonna save you, you just gotta find a way. The most dangerous thing I’ve grown in is how I live. Due to extreme pain, I used to live to die. I used to do everything in my power (subconsciously, it took me till 18 to notice) was self destructive and self sabotage of my growth. It was due to extreme self hatred and rejection of myself. This eventually led to suicidal ideation later on the older I gotten until a snapping point. Now today, I try everything in my power to live to live, shit if anything to FIGHT to live. Where everything I’ve been doing is to try to claw myself to survival and eventual happiness. My survival skills has pushed me through my freshman year in one piece alive, it’s put 1000s into my savings account, its helped kept me sane lately. Etc.
I’ve made new changes in my life that have began fairly recently new additions to this puzzle of my life. I’d start with self respect. I started to respect myself a ton especially in an environment where self respect goes down the TOILET. I self respect myself enough where I don’t take shit from jobs, I don’t take shit from people who disrespect me either (intentionally). I respect myself enough to stay sober in an environment LITTERED with substances. Weed, coke, anabolic steroids, MDMA, fent, Molly, addys, oxy, heroine, carts, alcohol etc. EVERY substance is in my environment and every time I’m offered it I just say a firm no because I respect myself and my body too much. I respect myself too much to engage in the foolery that is hookup culture. So many people get lost in “gray loot” and “common ARs” in college. Next thing you know, they walk out with STDs & regrets. As my freshman year comes to a closed I’m still a virgin at 20, I haven’t gotten any interest and won’t in hookup culture as I’m repelled by it. I plan on saving myself for the one when I get married one day, I have extremely high standards of the women I want in my life and I’m still WIP in general as a person. (I’ll write a whole dedicate memo one day if my standards), I respect myself to build good financial habits early in my life to avoid the financial stress that most people in their 20s fall into, while not being broke no more and having over 5,000 in savings. My self respect now allows me to pursue the things I GENUINELY want in my life and be a true go getter. I am a man of my word, I’ve said back in January I was gonna fly planes, I did 90 days later. I said I was going to change and evolve as a man, I did over a span of ~18 months. I said I was gonna going to make my parents proud of me and not be a fucking loser, I’ve currently done that. My self respect is building me into the man I dreamed of becoming 5 years ago. I want to be there best version of myself one day I want to appreciate over time as a man. Another addition to myself is been writing again, I really like writing lately. I’m glad that I’ve gotten in touch with writing again for the time in a while. Writing has single handedly kept my sanity in check and helped me significantly learn about the deepest depths of my subconscious mind. Ive also been picking up the ability to “tread water” emotionally in my life as a new skill. Where things get tough as usual, but i conserve energy and float versus panic and sink by emotionally disciplining myself as the man that I’ve become.
I mentioned very early on this memo, I was in the “depths of hell” earlier in my life. Man thinking back on it, shit was BRUTAL and I have no clue how I made it out in one piece. Starting off, when the slope of the decline began my relationship at the time collapsed due to internal distress I bottled up so extremely it caused a mental health crisis. But that subsequence breakup didn’t directly cause a collapse, but it exposed over a DECADE of self destructive patterns deeply embedded in my mind. In the following months I found out that most of the people I associated with were fake and abandoned me in a crisis because I was “funny” to watch collapse or I was “too much” to be associated with. (April/May of my senior year where ~90% of my “friends” vanished from thin air.) Once i graduated high school I was glad that I got tf out as I needed to leave badly, but in the summer after being displaced from school I started to get very depressed and feel directionless. Then I started college in late August and my first semester was the rock bottom of my entire life tbh. I remember I was dead broke in my first semester i remember some months like November and December, i literally had $10 after rent & phone and light bills. I remember I closed off with a 1.2 GPA my first semester due to being extremely depressed. I remember getting multiple injuries and not working out in 6 months from September to March. I remember when I was dead broke, my parents couldn’t help me due to financial difficulties at the time and I was about to get evicted in December due to missing rent twice. Now as summer comes along in May, THANK GOD I LOCKED IN. 🙏 I was on some Game 6 Pistons timing, and got ALL of my finances together. I stopped spending too much money on depop, and started saving and in just 3 months I went from 11 in my savings to over 5k. I also fixed my credit score, and I’ve started actually pouring my money into things that matter versus recreational use. (Such as my business & EMT training) I have actually did efforts to treat my PTSD lately in the second semester of my freshman year than do literally nothing. I have vetted people in my life, of the remaining people that still exist in my life I trust these people with my life. (3 people) I’m so glad that even in hell on earth that was my entire freshman year, I’ve finished it with a good note. I’m glad that the one thing I wanted to do more than anything since last June (fly a plane) I was finally able to do before my year ended.
I’m hoping my sophomore year is better tbh. Off most indicators of my life at the moment, I do expect a major shift in how it’ll turn out. By the time my sophomore year starts, I’ll be fully independent from my family for well over a year so I’ve got this whole growing up shit MOSTLY figured out now. I won’t be deadpan broke no more, I should be MUCH more financially free as I’ve done the good habits prior to get me to that point. I’ve dabbled into college of what I do and don’t like and who I am. I know who I am as a person and I’ll gravitate to what I like. (In my freshman year, I found out I really like to be physically active as UTSA’s rec center is extremely nice. I found out that I love nature and like going on school sanctioned hiking trips often, I also like languages like Japanese. I found out unsurprisingly I do NOT like the “college experience” I do not like the degeneracy that is in college, I do not like most of the quick paced courses, and I don’t like being surrounded by 10,000s of people 24/7.) I have good expectations of my sophomore year and I’ll be glad that I’m more established than someone who’s “beta tested” with nothing to my name. I’m hoping that in my sophomore year I’ll be thriving than surviving. Nonetheless I’m weighing my options as I should graduate earlier but currently I’m unsure. Just because I hated my freshman year, I’m not going to mentally close off the remainder of college as I have the humility to admit I don’t know how I’ll go.
Despite growth, I am still hurting in some aspects of my life. The elephant in the room is what happened a couple weeks ago. When I mentioned earlier “I forgive everyone in my life except one person” I am referring to a sexual predator. I can’t forgive this person under any circumstances especially after the knew what I went through and still did this. This sounds wrong as a Christian, but I hope this person dies tbh. I have noticed recently my depersonalization has worsened a lot in the past couple of months (especially the past 3 weeks) where it feels like often I am fully detached from myself and my body. (I can’t describe this to people who don’t know) and it feels often like I’m dreaming or in a perpetual haze. I have noticed dissociation has become the default emotion I have faced in the past couple of months to where I often see myself lose sense of time or genuinely don’t express much emotions externally anymore. I have found myself as well developing a mentality that’s toxic. I am starting to believe “I must be absolutely perfect to be loved and I need to be flawless to avoid abandonment in the future.” I have noticed this is a toxic byproduct of growth I’ve made where I climbed out of hell and will fight tooth and nail to stay out of it. I have also been feeling extremely lonely and isolated lately in my entire freshman year of college. Both in a literal sense where I am not around people as I’m disillusioned with my environment, but also internally where I feel like I don’t really have much of a connection with anyone in my environment. And probably the worst thing I’ve noticed about my subconscious mind, is that “I am inherently unlovable” sentiment that haunts me when I’m alone. Even though I’m hurting this hurt is much more controlled than before. I’m not drowning unlike the past, I’m a study sand castle hitting the waves but I’m not collapsing. I just adapt to shit over time than self destruct. Painful as this is to be tough all the time, it’s built unkillable resilience, and wisdom is never have if I didn’t have pain. I don’t wish for this stuff of course as some of it is horrific, however I am extremely grateful for the post traumatic growth that came alongside this.
(I can’t explain dissociation to those who don’t experience it. I have no words to put it as, but I’ll explain the best that I can. So when I am dissociating it’s my “baseline” emotional like idle. (~80% of a typical day for the past 15 months) I can eat XYZ food but i can’t taste it like yes I can in the literal sense but it doesn’t “hit” the same. Or I can’t “smell” things the same, or colors are duller etc. when I dissociate, I noticed that I lose sense of time entirely and I ask people “what day/month is it?” And I’ll be like “wtf” when I find out it’s May already because my internal clock is still in 2025. Or I’ll see myself in the mirror after someone commented on my appearance awhile ago by saying “I have no thought in my eyes” (in September) and I’ll be like “wtf” when j see that my face literally has zero microexpressions in my eyes/lips/brows/etc. when i am in deep dissociation i feel extremely disconnected too spiritually and i feel like I passively stray from God not in a sense where im not a nonbeliever or even a lukewarm but not show up for church or pray. (To be fair, when i deeply dissociate i drop EVERYTHING and shut down so its global.) One of the weirdest things I personally feel is that I’m “floating” often like literally feel like I’m floating as if you’re on a marry-go-round ride and hop off. Another very weird thing that’s hard to explain, is extreme numbness to people who i don’t feel deeply for prior. Where I noticed I don’t feel a emotional connection to people whom I already previously didn’t had prior, I have not a strain of social anxiety just complete apathy. Simultaneously in my roots no matter the dissociation I feel very deeply tho those whom I care about and I’m surprisingly very present in my feelings. The weird thing is that despite feeling “nothing” I am EXTREMELY self aware of how I feel in writing and I’m aware enough to understand. I’m aware of what this is unlike me at 14-18, I’m aware of the shift, I’m aware of HOW I feel and how to hopefully articulate this, etc. this is the best of my ability of how to explain severe dissociation.)
MAY 5: I can never undo the pain that was done to me earlier in my life from 13-now. But I can manage how I cope with it. I am aware that large chucks of the trauma has done and I try my best to manage it. I will never be that innocent naïve puppy eyes version of myself as they version ceased to exist to a large extent, I will never be that person who was helpless either after seeing horrific things when I was in my freshman to junior years. I have changed a lot in my innocence, world view, and livelihood. However I don’t let the people who’ve done horrific things to me win. I will never kill my personality that they so hate me for. I will never truly lose my humanity and never stop being a good person despite what they’ve done. (I will always treat people with respect, I will never sexually abuse someone, I will never take away someone’s innocence, I will never stay silent like when I was younger out of fear when I see something messed up, I will never be a victim again.) I will never lose my sense of humor and inner joy that remains in my life, I will never lose the goodness in humanity as a whole either. I will never give up on people who I care about even if they’ve accidentally hurt me or they’re complicated. I have changed as the world has changed. Just because people haven’t been good to me, I’ll never be a “villain” or selfish in my life. I live for God and God only and my purpose to be Gods servant. All this trauma has created a large hole of emptiness in my life over the years. Unlike the past I’m not living for emotional anesthesia. I will not and will not use trauma as an excuse to be the worst person I can be, I will not use trauma as an excuse to be a currency of vices. I will instead and have used it to grow as a man. Using it as the funding tool to build the character that I have today, build my moral code, cope with BETTER (but not perfect coping mechanisms) such as read, writing, exercising, miscellaneous hobbies etc.
Today is also the final year of my freshman year of college. (May 5th) I take my final finals this morning, and THANK GOD that I’m done tbh. This year sucked, both semesters were hell on earth. (but life OUTSIDE of college was much better semester 2) I am very glad that I’m done with college today as this summer break is a much needed break for me and I’m very glad that I’ve hung on and survived my freshman year of college. I got my ass handed to me in some aspects but in MOST aspects, I say I didn’t do so bad for firsts. I didn’t do too bad for the first year being fully on my own from my parents by living on my own, paying all my bills, working, being a full tiem student, etc. I didn’t do too bad for my first time navigating college (except academically where I got nuked year one even with a better GPA second semester.) I didn’t do too bad when it came to being TRULY alone for the first time of my life and not losing my sanity. College kinda isn’t what I expected tbh. I remember saying in my senior year I “wanted a new start in college” (escaping a traumatic environment) so my expectations were kinda minimal. But college is kinda weird as you’re surrounded by 10,000s of people yet in a bubble of your own with a different type of loneliness. I also am not a big fan of most of the social events in college such as parties or football games (I avoid football as a sport altogether tbh due to ptsd) or clubs/groups. But I’m an honest man I said I don’t play no games and only came to get my degree and gtfo. I did learn to appreciate certain aspects as I LOVE the library at UTSA it’s a good place I can get peace and quiet throughout my day, I LOVE the recreation center as it’s super vast and spacious. I LOVE the autonomy I’ve gotten since I’ve moved out that’s my favorite part of being an adult tbh.
MAY 6: the thing I’ve been most excited about tbh is the future of my life. Most of my eyes is set on the future of my life and the horizon ahead. The main immediate “eye on the prize” is setting more time and effort to scale a company I own after I secured more funds and time into it as I’m done with school soon. That’ll be fun to watch something I made out of “boredom” into a profitable hobby. I’m excited too to finally get certified as a EMT and finally step into the medical field this summer (I decided to do private EMT-B courses instead of through my university as it’s 6 weeks vs 2 years.) I’m excited too to possibly travel this summer for my 20th birthday but unsure where yet. I’m excited by the end of 2027, that’ll I should also get my private pilot license. (FAA PPL) very excited big goals this summer/fall that I’m extremely excited about. I’m excited about my life long term and trajectory out in years like what I’m able to accomplish God willingly in my 20s and beyond, we’ll just wait and see.
I know this isn’t anywhere close to now, but the biggest thing I’m excited for one day is to get married and have a loving family. The one thing that’s good about dissociation is that I can fast forward my entire life until this day hopefully. In the future when I get married I want to be a blessing for my partner. I want to take this time to be the best version of myself so I can make my wife whoever they may be God willingly the happiest woman alive. I want to spend my entire 20s being the best man possible I want to be extremely financially stable, I want to accomplish all of the things I said I was going to, I want to be a man of God too. Until then, I’m not going to hookup, entertain, have talking stages or situationships, yet alone date. If I date a woman, I have full intentions of marrying her and I don’t do that bullshit people do in this generation. I also need to be perfect to be lovable, so I myself have no baggage that is a liability. I am trying to become a husband for “the one” one day. If this is earlier than I anticipate I’d be super happy. I’ve improved significantly in my character development but I’m still work in progress as a man. I’m not going to rush Gods timing as it’s super delicate I will know when the “one” is in my life. I hope that I am the man my wife never has to worry about me cheating (as I don’t), worry about me leaving (as I don’t) or me abusing her etc. (as I DEFINITELY don’t) I don’t want my wife to worry about my past as I have a clean slate. I don’t want her to worry about any of the major red flags men my age do. I’m going to also keep it real, I do NOT like being single, if there’s one thing I discovered about myself in the past couple of years is that I need a deep connection to feel “complemented” in my soul. I’m not someone who’s uncomfortable being alone I can and have sat with my emotions for over a year now. I don’t date casually and who i choose, I have every intention of wifing up one day and starting a peaceful life hopefully with plentiful days with a family. I want my future wife to be like “I’m so happy Xavier is my husband I’m a blessed women.” I want a women to feel extremely relieved and happy one day and have a smile that reaches her eyes. I want my kids too one day to grow up as HAPPY children. I want to protect my children (especially if they’re daughters) from any and all threats without being helicopter parents. I don’t want my children to have the pain that I’ve had in my own childhood and adolescent years. I want to protect my children as any present father will be, but I want to be a FUN parent one day. I want to be a father who’s present emotionally and physically in my children’s lives, I want to be a father who’s genuinely fun to be around, I want to be a “cool” parent one day and I want my future wife and I to raise happy stable and happy children.
MAY 7: the final thing I wanna touch on, is the most important thing to me which is my growth in faith. Mentioned earlier I wasn’t that religious growing up. My parents were but I wasn’t. I lived a very worldly mindset in how I treated people, what I valued, what I wanted, etc. I even at times questioned if there even was a God when I was very young later going to “there is a God, but he’s apathetic to human struggles.” Over the past 2 years, I’ve fulfilled a promise to my grandpa who died of cancer in 2021 where he told me “I would like to see you bury the hatchet with your family, and grow close to God after I die.” Those words struck me a lot at the time as a 14 year old. Prior I was beefing with my own family, (the most when in 2022 shortly after he died due to misplaced grief), I believe I treated people poorly at the time, I was committing SO much sins and could care less about it (mostly pride, wrath, and greed.) Fast forward now, my heart has turned a full 180. I don’t believe I’m a prideful man no more, God has stripped away the self centered desires and ego in my heart. God has stripped away the greed that once was in my heart and allowed me to be a giver than a taker and take only what’s mine and not what’s others. God has MASSIVELY taken the envy away from my heart where I no longer live a life of “I can’t be happy because other people have XYZ and I don’t.” God has taken away many of the sins I commit in a daily basis. I’m not a perfect Christian nor will I ever be as the only perfect man is our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Sin thrives on darkness (Ephesians 5:11-17) so I openly admit my current sins and spiritual shortcomings as I’m not a judgmental self righteous hypocrite. I have JUSTIFIED wrath against people who’ve harmed me, (I said justified but justified ≠ healthy or moral.) I struggle with straying away often as when I get into circumstances in life, I feel internally very distant from God. I struggle with fear and MAJOR fears where I’m scared of interpersonal relationship (especially in regards to one person I care about and fear if I never speak again or her wellbeing. Or fears of my family if my family is actually proud of me or is lying.) I have fears about my future as most 20 year olds have as well. In general however, I’m MUCH more of a Christian and connected to God than I could imagine me 5+ years ago and I know that God is happy of me that I’ve changed my ways and live my heart in spiritual clarity versus staying away into the world. I pray that God continues to bless me and help me strive to be the man God wants me to become. I’m so grateful with the bottom of my heart of the growth God has granted me over the last couple of years. It actually makes me get emotional and cry when I think of where I was to where I’m at now, I am so happy and eternally happy that I’m no longer the boy I wanted to grow up form anymore but now the MAN that I’ve become.
MAY 8: (UPDATE)
(In regards to the incident on April 9 2026 TW: a lot 😭 but it gets SO much more serious when I made a tip to the FBI for “online sexual solicitation” and the title IX of my school forwarded it to SAPD/BSCO. And as I talked to the police, I literally had the SUM OF ALL fears near happen to me as they explained how likely that was to end in death, and I was completely unknowing of how much danger I was in. I was so naïve of this persons REAL intentions until weeks later when the acute trauma response wore off regarding the events of April 9-14)
(I didn’t plan this in my original memo writing but MAJOR details about what happened on April 9 2026: After the sexual assault incident, I finally made a formal police report to SAPD/BCSO/US federal bureau of investigation (FBI). I finally got a EPO and I feel a lot better peace of mind hopefully they’ll be justice for what happened to me versus the extreme psychological pain of this happening and there’s no repercussions due to “lack of evidence.” But fucking hell man, I look back at the past and i easily could’ve been a homicide victim. This person was REALLY dead set on isolating me. He asked if I lived in a dorm or an apartment, and i replied with apartment and his response was “even better.” (wtf?) and INSISTED that I should invite him which I made creative lie to keep him away by saying “I have a RA and they gonna fine me $500 if I invite someone past 9pm” or “I have a roommate and he’s gonna be pissed” (I don’t) and after 10x he stopped asking me. Then he wanted to drive to a park and this made my heart SINK at the time but I couldn’t “confirm” the magnitude of danger. He wanted to go to Gorell memorial park on Dr Zalava Road at 9/10pm but thank GOD his alternator/battery died. If it didn’t die at the methodist ER on De Zavala I would be VERY likely been raped and killed. In the car as it’s broken down and I’m trynna find out what’s wrong and I open the glove box, and there’s a FUCKING KNIFE! (like those rescue knives with the window breaker and seatbelt cutter.) I’m also so lucky when his car fucked up again at the Circle K (where he coerced me to steal alcohol) as his aunt took his car away and let him use hers. (which took the knife away) I’m so glad I didn’t drink and don’t drink as he’d certainly use it to rape & murder me. I’m so happy that when I got sexually assaulted I froze instead of fight since I would’ve likely been strangled to death or worse kidnapped as this person used childhood so I couldn’t escape. (this ONE detail made the police put it as “aggravated sexual assault”) I know that sounds twisted but the most painful part of my PTSD likely prevented me from getting put in a secondary location which according to the FBI is the #1 most lethal circumstances for homicides. I’m SO HAPPY that when this fuck nigga texted me “I’m outside the apartments I just fucked up my ONE friends I didn’t know””that’s all I’m wanted for.” And blowing up my phone 3x and a suicide threat VM That I did NOT come outside or go to his car to “talk things out” or chose to reason with him. As he would 100% kidnap me take me to a secluded place and murder me as I’m a witness to a aggravated sexual assault case. I’m so happy I didn’t answer his “No Caller ID” call at 2:48am or the next day April 10, or again April 11. I’m so glad that I didn’t go back outside and attack him with a knife for self defense because I DO believe I’d win, but it’ll do permanent psychological harm to me. I’m so glad that I wasn’t in my apartment from April 11-14 so he couldn’t stalk me when he was lurking UTSA in his car looking for me. Later on by my close friend she told me “he was js very aggressive he tried to he got into multiple fights with people on his own team and he would hit on and take advantage of football players.” (iMessage April 17) this suspect went to my high school and was the only male on the cheer team. (Iykyk if you attended my school) this person ended up being a serial predator the more details I learned about him and he’s a gay person who prays on straight men to emasculate them. (This is why I don’t like gay people respectfully since they can never take no for an answer, I’m actually homophobic like scared of gay people I don’t hate gay people like in prejudice but am genuinely scared of them.) And when I was talking to SAPD/BSCO 2 days ago, I was like thank God I survived a sexual assault incident. But as the more and more details came out they immediately filed a EPO and told me straight up “you so close to being in a murder/suicide.” I was in so much shock I didn’t sleep until 6:30 am the next day, I’ve nearly been killed before twice but those were impulsive reactions, but this was extremely premeditated and the suspect planned this since August 24th 2025 to April 9th 2026 (7 months and 16 days) from the moment he found out bout my apartment. (8/24) to the day he randomly hit me up since he was “suicidal.” And “insisted I must hung out with him or he’d kill himself.” I can’t BELIEVE why I even let myself go into this person’s car looking back at it. I was so fucking stupid for that man, and I can’t BELIEVE how close to death I really was. This is like some Ted Bundy shit quite literally as the fake suicidal crisis was a perfect pretense to “rape/homicide.” I don’t even want to think about what the depravity of this person if I would’ve went the park or I was naïve enough to go to car after the incident. (Quite literally like the D4VD case) I really hope this predator gets life in prison, and quite frankly he will because I gave the SAPD a flash drive with GIGABYTES of evidence against this individual. His college now knows of the depravity of what he did (30 screenshots of evidence!) with GPS data, FBI & SAPD case numbers, DNA Evidence from clothes, secondary location, grooming etc. And soon the FBI will know of the sick fuck that this person is. The walls are and will close on this individual. Due to him likely getting a NOI in the near future, I am extremely vigilant and prepared for any potential encounter with this individual. (Even lethal means if the rare but possible circumstance he invades my home as he knows my apartment address and room #) For women especially who may read this PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND VIGILANT! If a man whos strong, athletic, and even dangerous as they’re training for special operations can be in a “rape/homicide” circumstance YOU CAN TOO PLEASE BE SUPER CAREFUL. I know what happened to me is extremely rare statistically, but a lot of predators exist out there and please be vigilant. Predators usually don’t look like the “discord mod” or “jideon edp watch” subtypes they literally come in all sizes. This individual was popular in HS, he has a “good family” as you’d call it, he wanted to be a physician just like me, he is “good looking” (no gay shit but objectively “attractive”) etc. if you told me this individual was going to lure me, sexually assault me, try to take me to a secondary location to likely kill a witness, etc. I would probably laugh in your face prior as from the outside, he looks like a bitch ass nigga. But deep down, he’s almost certainly going to kill someone if he’s not apprehended. (like Ted bundy) Sexual assault does HORRIFIC trauma to the one affected. Lately I’ve been extremely paranoid about being hunted and him coming back for retaliation and raping me and them kidnapping me into a secondary location and killing me with a firearm. I’ve also had nightmares of him invading my home and killing him with a firearm as he charges me with a knife. As well as nightmares of the real life events that occurred on April 9th 2026. I’ve been extremely paranoid when I hear my phone ring hoping it’s not a no caller ID call at 2:00 AM, or I’ve been extremely paranoid of dark areas near campus and being murdered at night walking back from the rec center. I am vigilant of the upcoming future as the suspect will find out inevitably about a NOI from the 6 agencies investigating him currently. Statistically in criminology studies homicide risk is highest when the suspect believes there’s “no way out.” So I’m extremely prepared for any potential move this individual may make and how to survive it. I still get chills from HOW close to death I really was thinking about it, it wasn’t impulsive violence like I faced in high school but deeply premeditated homicide that would’ve happened. The type of shit you watch on YouTube at 3:00 on Law & Crime Network that I almost walked straight into. From the childlock on his car, him INSISTING I drink not taking no for an answer, the knife that was folded, the fact how he didn’t wanna meet up in person to talk at the JPL where there’s 100s of people at once but still fairly quiet. Shit you don’t even need to go that fair as JPL even refusing to meet at the science and engineering building where he picked me up at (8:42pm CST) the fact he IMMEDIATELY wanted to go to a park once my apartment wasn’t on the table, saying shit like “what will it take for me to not be your friend?” To the multiple suicide threats this individual made, to him saying “the part is the best place we can hang out ” (EXTREME red flag), the fact it was a park out all places no six flags, no la cantera/rim, no top golf, no UTSA, etc but a wooded park late at night. The fact this dude attempt to lure me in what I believe was to kidnap me. This person was ABSOLUTELY trying to kill me so I can be a witness and a threat to his freedom or reputation. This is BIBLICALLY evil shit this so unforgivable. It is by the grace of GOD that I don’t go to the park or let him in my apartment or get lured or id be dead. I feel nauseously disturbed that my gut was SCREAMING for help mid car ride when he wanted to go the park and he’d miss exits on I-10 due to extreme intoxication and as my brain observed I was just HOPING that I didn’t get raped or murdered as I was in this persons “kill zone.” That was GOD almighty why his car broke down because that saved me such valuable time man, and GOD almighty that I wasn’t so naïve to reason with him. Him stalking me after the event happened (he was lurking until 3:11am) PROVES this dude was absolutely going to kill me no questions asked. The suspect was lying in wait after the assault almost certainly trying to see if I’d physically run out of my apartment complex to the JPL building as it’s open 24/7 on weekdays. If I was to make a run for it (from my apartment complex to the woods to UTSA) I’d almost certainly be ran over by his vehicle or hunted down and kidnapped as I had no weapon on me) so I’m glad that I stayed put in my apartment complex. I am very aware that posting this is a risk factor, however I stand by my decision and I will not quiet about my experience. Predators love silence but I’m not a silent person. And if you DARE thinking to come into my home, I will kill you. Don’t you dare think I’m a “bitch nigga” because I froze, I am armed and will not freeze with my hand on a firearm and I will not miss . (And I have all legal entitlement to due to castle doctrine and stand your ground laws.) every move you’ll take is another thing I have (the stalking) and will be continuing to send to the FBI. You are fucked. You maybe raped and sexually assaulted people who won’t speak up as you pray on straight men, people with mental health issues like PTSD, pray on people to emasculate them. But I DO speak up and have and the authorities know. Your college knows what you did, BSCO/SAPD knows what you did, and even the FBI knows what you did. And the walls are closing in, you’ve fucked with the wrong person and there’s hell that you’re going to pay legally for. I am not going to let a predator get away from what they’ve done especially if they’re a menace to society and the lowest scum of the world (people that pray on kindness to kill.) I will not be silenced I won’t. No apology, no amount of money, and no reasoning will change my mind. This individual has done a permanent wound that will always linger and justice will be served. My God is also a God is a God of vengeance and a God of justice when needed. Take care of your loved ones yall, please make sure your women and kids in your life, please be EXTREMELY careful and vigilant in your lives, and trust God.
MAY 9th: so happy it’s summer finally!!! :D
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