fitting out

growing up, the only thing I wished for besides having friends was fitting in. i remember the lengths id go just to get a kick of external validation and looking back now? It's humiliating :/

as a "girl" there was a way I was expected to act, dress and navigate my life and for a very long time i conformed. it was hard finding people who had the same interests as me, it was either a person was smart but socially dry or ignorant but socially acceptable- tough. i felt the need to choose a side, i did.

i put on a mask, i deemed myself as a shape shifter. i could hang out with any person...of any age, belief, gender and even music taste 💀 (that was a really hard one ngl). "shape shifting" was the safest option for me at that time, little did i know i was trading my sense of self for it. i would find myself fake laughing in conversations or feeling overwhelmed but not enough to leave the social situation- that's dumb ik but 🦆 we have to embarrass ourselves in pursuit of human connection right?

it was tiring, draining, soul sucking damn dementors !!!! i didn't want to go out anymore, didn't want to make friends but i felt stuck. i was the "life of the party" friend, uncomfortable with silence i would do my best to keep everyone entertained. "don't burn yourself alive trying to keep others warm" girl i wish i knew that earlier, could have saved me a whole of fnckin time! but going back to the point, i wanted to stop being this fake extrovert but i didn't know how to because i knew one way or another i knew id lose some friends and probably even lose my "aura" (corny ik but i forgot what other word to use)

this lasted for 80% of my H.S, not 100% because of one question my ex girlfriend asked me "you call yourself a shape shifter and you're proud, you're able to entertain everyone but don't you think that's sad? the fact that you're just not yourself in all of these social situations?" that sh!t hit so deep in my soul and i just couldn't answer that question, not because I was upset by it but because i didn't know what to say (⁠╯⁠︵⁠╰⁠,⁠) she wrote something in her journal and let me read it and in that moment i knew it was time to return to thyself.

it went like, "i think more people should be comfortable in silence..." i would go on but i have poor memory so whatever but it changed me okay? and ill be forever grateful for her input that day. i started spending more time alone just doing stuff i like. i would draw, read, dress up, smoke and sleep and soon enough the days just blended together i lost all care of the outside world (IM STILL A HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVIST, I DO NOT MEAN IT IN THAT SENSE) all im saying is that - i returned to myself, i felt fulfilled, introduced new hobbies to myself.

i don't care about fitting in anymore, in any way

.i don't mind posting a picture and not receiving any likes on it

.i am comfortable with sitting in silent 

.i am fine with not being able to match the "vibe"

.i accepted that some people perceive me as weird/ awkward