to find something that isnt temporary

sometimes i wish things in my life stayed longer or were different. my mood changes so often, from just the littlest things. things that shouldnt even matter and that when they happen i should just go along with it, but i cry over things that are so miniscule. i wish i were a more stable person

i dont like being this sensitive, ive always been sensitive. some people tell me i have a victim mindset and though im sure i dont im beginning to doubt it. ive been told this by people who spent most of my younger years trying to bring me down constantly. when i was 9 the last thing i needed was people close to me telling me just what was wrong with me.

i needed to be shaped into a better person, not told how bad of a person i was when i was at an age where i could be so easily persuaded or changed, where i took everything to heart. i cant tell if the people close to me who told me these things have been doing it less, or if ive just gotten used to it. even though my younger years were filled with so much doubt, starvation, and self hatred, i wanna go back

i miss being a kid and i miss being innocent. i miss when people cared about you and let you cry and wanted to comfort you but now we're all grown up. we have our own problems and issues and nobody wants to listen to eachother. sometimes i wish someone loved me in a way i could tell them everything, from the secrets im most ashamed of to just little things that nobody seems to catch about me. i want to be read like an open book, i want to be a puzzle someone can figure out. im tired of hiding so many things my whole life

but at the same time im terrified of being discovered. im constantly scared of people close to me finding these accounts and of finding out everything. i still have much more shameful things im with-holding even here. i wanna be figured out by someone who doesnt know what kind of person i am or what i did as a kid. i want to have a fresh start with nothing else behind me

i want to be anywhere but here