oh to be average

i really wish things were different.

i never really had high hopes as a kid anyway, but i always looked up for the simple things.

i liked the outdoors, and the smell of the wind when it was just below 74 out,

i liked the way the mall lit up from the signs in the stores, and how the walkways smelled,

i liked the feeling of warm laundry and my bed when it was a bit colder at night,

and one thing i really wanted was to be a highschooler.

i didnt even really like school, i was always bullied for being the quiet weird kid, but i always thought about how my life would be as a teenager.

i was so excited to grow up and find new opportunities, and pick up new interests and hobbies and friends...

i probably started fantasizing when i was probably 4 or 5 years old.

i looked forward to middle school too actually, but that got crushed pretty quickly when covid came around and i didnt finish my 5th grade year.

after covid my mom put me in private school and it was absolute hell.

i had no freedom to do anything, not even be myself.

i was so dissapointed with myself for allowing it to happen to me.

the worst years of my life probably was my middle school years.

for my 8th grade year i finally convinced my mom to take me to public school.

i was so excited, but also nervous.

i ended up being mute that whole year because i had so much social anxiety, and i didnt even finish the full year either.

i went through a really hard time with a lot of things and all my mom saw was the public school to blame for my mental health, so she took me out, and told me i will never go back to normal school ever again.

now it was finally highschool and i ruined everything.

my childhood dream was gone all because i was depressed at the wrong time.

i was mute for another year and a half until the school kicked me out for being 'satanic', and then ofc i moved to another private school.

im still at the school i moved to afterwards, but it hasnt been eaiser since all that.

i failed my junior year just when i thought things couldnt get more complicated for me.

now i have to repeat it next year, and i will be graduating later.

i wont even have a graduation because im leaving next year to do online school as my last resort.

my mental health has gotten really bad and its been harder to just perform everyday tasks.

waking up and opening my eyes sometimes doesnt even happen until the middle of the day.

i dont know what to think anymore.

im no longer a child.

i dont have much to look forward to anymore since all of the easiest milestones have failed to happen for me.

i cant help but feel so behind in life, and seeing people my age happy makes me so pathetically jealous.

i really wish i was average.

all i wanted was to experience life and have my fun.

now i have no more desires and not even opportunities.

ive failed as a human being, and half of it isnt even from my own choices.

and everytime i drive past the public school near my house i end up crying because i cant stop staring at the normal kids who get to live a normal life as they walk into the building with their funky backpacks and cool friends.

they will never understand what it feels like to live an invisible life in an invisible bubble.

i see everything and everyone but nobody can see me. i am just blurred into the background of their average lives.

i am the silence in a room and they are the life in the room. and i envy that so much it makes me sick.