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I don't like being alone, as the title says.
I don't know why but my mind tends to think of the worst things it can when I'm stuck in the silence of nighttime. Reminds me of my failures, and how much I regret every mistake. And how awful a person I consider myself. I don't know why I have so much self loathing, when it's daytime and I'm around people, I don't think I'm that bad, but when I'm alone, it's all I can focus on. It makes me want to ball up and cry, it makes me feel so weak. I hate crying.
I've mostly been haunted by messing everything up with my most recent ex, as of late. We were, well on and off for about 4 years due to both of our problems (mainly stuff in her life, her parents really don't treat her well and she frequently couldn't talk due to them). I think she broke up with me about a month ago? It was about 2 days before our anniversary too, go figure. But..I don't blame her for it, I'm a really mentally unstable person and it takes a lot to make me feel fine again, and she said she didn't feel like she could help me, which was really ironic considering in my mind, she was really the only person who made me feel better in those situations.. I'm just not the best as showing my emotions with being autistic I guess... I just... Really miss her... She was the only person that I felt comfortable or at home with, and I know I'm never getting it back..I hate that I can't shake my feelings for her when I'm almost positive she's moved on...I just... Hope and pray she's doing well, at least...
I just miss talking with her, staying up late with her every night on call until my phone died were some of my best memories, we'd talk about anything and everything, and watch all sorts of random stuff together. She always knew how to make me smile, and I tried my best with my dumb jokes to hear her laugh and get her to smile... I wish... Things were different...
I don't really know what to write as an ending to this blog, as I'm feeling anxious from getting emotional, and am trying my best not to put myself into a mood again.. So I guess I'll just say that's it for tonight.. Thank you for reading this far if you did I suppose, even though this was just kind of me putting my thoughts out there... Goodnight, everyone. I hope you all sleep well and have a good night.
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xXmascaraminervaXx
I completely understand how you feel. Around two years ago, I went through a rough breakup with somebody who I thought I'd be with for the rest of my life. I was already doing pretty bad mentally, and he was someone that made me feel better (like how your partner did for you). I ended up being emotionally devastated for an entire year and I cried myself to sleep throughout that whole time period. It's pretty embarrassing for me to look back on, but it's also human at the end of the day. I also understand that being neurodivergent and going through a breakup is even more devastating, because you will feel emotions more deeply and more intensely than a normal person. Let yourself have some grace.
From how you explained it, it doesn't sound like the breakup was entirely your fault. It's important to remind yourself that you don't carry the burden of being the sole reason the relationship ended. Especially with your autism, such a major change is bound to be extremely uncomfortable to say the least. If you're able to, I think this is something that you would be better working through with a therapist rather than doing it on your own.
My advice is to spend this time with friends and (if they're willing to listen) to talk to them about it. I also recommend writing your feelings down (kind of like how you did in this blog), because it'll help with navigating and processing your feelings. If you do decide to start doing that, make sure you write about positive things and your goals as well or else you might get even more depressed lmao.
gopherina
I relate to this, seeing no purpose within myself when I am alone, but when I am with people I just want to make then smile and laugh I dont know. And I relate even more with the losing someone because of who you are, my best friend cut me off because she got bored of me, she said I did nothing wrong but I am just not her person, it was 8 yrs of friendship.
I think we will pull through, really focus on yourself and no shame in surrounding urself w people and asking for company, you are just a people person maybe, life so hard