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30-APR-2026
I imagine what i would do if i got to redo my life with all my memories intact.
I wouldnt have been bullied. I wouldnt have struggled in school. I wouldnt have been friendless for so long.
I would draw every day. I would write stories about anything. I wouldnt be as burdened by shame because I'm just a kid and creating corny, mediocre art is still good for me.
I would play outside with the neighbourhood kids. I would pick up sports. I would make the most of field trips and school events. I wouldnt even have a phone, i'd finally be free.
Id be more open about my interests from a young age so my parents would be forced to accept it, instead of having my mom accuse me (at 19 years old) of worshipping satan bc i have jojo posters in my room.
I wouldnt have gone into nursing.
But there are things i'd miss. I was one version of myself when i met my best friend (hi jamie), but would we have hit it off as well if i were a different version while he was unchanged?
Were there events where i only got out okay because of sheer luck?
Will i forever be haunted by this life's traumas and mistakes?
Will i burden myself with trying to fix everything, just to shame myself when i cant force my 2nd attempt at life into the perfect shape?
What if my life is still subpar? Would that mean that something inherent to me is the reason im not successful, like everyone around me seems 2 be?
Its a lot to think about, yet i can't stop thinking about it.
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sunny
regardless if this thinking has crossed the line to being unhealthy coping, i don't blame you for all this thinking--and honestly i have similar fantasies too. i mean the universe (or well, specifically life) just feels so broad to not ever think about things like this. not even just broad, but just so out of your control, and terribly cruel in the way sometimes you only realize some things in the past could've gone differently if you knew you had some choice in how it went. though maybe it is true that some choices could've made certain things better to experience, sometimes these fantasies can exaggerate how *much* control you had, or could've had, over some things in life.
like, there are societal things that has an influence in how people engaged with you and how you engaged with yourself, which could make some events play out similarly as "before" since many of us internalize societal beliefs. it doesn't mean there are "default settings" to you or your life that makes you inherently doomed or fucked, i guess it means that some things just can't be perfect, because the world isn't anyways.
i think it is worth it to ponder on some of this stuff, and you could probably use these desires about what to do/what's different in the "redo" life to figure out what choices you could do today and goals to set. that is a big thing to do though, but i'm sure whether it's soon or in the future, there is possibilities for change. but anyways, i really do wish you well, and i wish you many great days--i'd say you deserve them!!
this is Kind Of a mess of a comment and probably like, A lot. and doesn't add much. but point is that maybe having control and choices are concepts too rigid but abstract(?) when it comes to how life plays out, or works, because of how the world is. Or something like that. and i definitely feel you on the deep thinking stuff. Anyways the main point was that i hope you feel greater and better!
by sunny; ; Report
Theres so much i couldve done different ARGHHHH
Sometimes its just a lot to think back on ur life and feel like u just suck in general. Id blame puberty but im almost 20. One day i'll make peace with the fact that my actions have consequences, but thansk for the well wishes :)
by neptr joestar; ; Report
Jamison!
In every universe and under any circumstance, we'd be friends. There's no chance we aren't friends in every time line. I will find you no matter what. /threat.
I could like, try and break down every sentence, and say a million different things but. I love you dude. I don't think there's any chance, any version of a life you live could be unsuccessful or subpar. Even if you think it is, (you're WRONG.) or if someone else says that (THEY'RE wrong). You're the coolest, most talented person I know. And I'm not just saying that because you're my best friend. I MEAN IT. I'm sorry you're in this head space bc I know how much it sucks, and I hope you feel better. But you'll get through this if I literally have to force you because I know that THIS life still has SO MUCH STUFF that will be so amazing for you and help you get away from the shame and trauma and mistakes. WE'LL get away from them together. And even if SOMEHOW everything sucks until you die, then we'll die and fuck off to someplace where everything DOESN'T suck. Because WE WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
I hope that was at least SOMETHING that can help make you feel better. I really do care about you man, and I'm sorry things are like this rn. I'm always here for you.
Godddd fine i'll blow you
by neptr joestar; ; Report