Choir

I cannot explain why, exactly, I chose to join choir.

Okay, that's actually wrong, I know why. In 5th grade, I decided to join orchestra in stead of choir, I wanted to play the cello and, eventually, the double bass. My mother, however, wanted me to be a dainty little lass and play the violin. Even now, I would rather go through the needle pit saw trap thing than play the violin, so I chose the viola, the unloved, "physically impossible" hate child of the violin and cello. I don't know why my mom felt the need to try to pick my instrument/passion for me, especially because she didn't want me to do orchestra in the first place, she wanted me in choir.

For the next four years of my life, my mom practically screamed at me to do choir. When I was enjoying orchestra in 5th grade, when my new teacher made me hate it in 6th, when I began to like it again in 7th, when I quit in 8th, when I decided not to do anything music in 9th, she was always there all like "your voice is so pretty," or "you should at least try choir!!"

So, 10th grade rolls around, she's still on my ass about choir, and I have no fucking friends because I go to the cliquiest school in Midwest America, so I decide: "Fuck it, I'll give it a try."

So, there's wee-little, autistic, bocchi-levels of socially anxious 15 year-old me, in the most social program of my life and in the school. Fun, yay.

I sound sarcastic (to myself, at least) but I actually did like choir that year. I made one, two, three, four whole friends!! Yahoo!! :D

Then, next year came. All of my friends went onto my school's treble ensemble (basically a singing group of voices that sing in treble clef, for those who don't know) while I stayed behind in the chorale (my school's only non-auditioned choir, the one you're in for an easy A and you fine arts credit) program. Because what was mainly keeping my friends and I together was chorale, I didn't really talk to my treble friends, so I dropped back down to 0 friends. Boo :(.

BUT!!! It's okay! I became friends with three new people! And, In my senior year, one of them end up in my school's chamber choir with me!! Yahoo!!

Alright, Senior year, kinda bitter-sweet, but I'm sure it'll be fun! Right?

RIGHT?

WRONG.

In a past blog post, I mentioned doing an online course, that was a decent experience, I didn't fail the class, I passed with a C after spending like... four hours on the last possible night available just grinding away until I completed enough of the course. Now, I'm in world religions, and one of the friends I made in 10th grade is with me!! :D

Things seem nice, but they aren't. Choir is making wanna die like... every day I'm there.

There's nothing really wrong with the people there, but I feel like a fucking ghost in that room, like I have no reason to be there because nobody cares about me and, while that's the case for most of my classes, it hits worse when there is people in that class who liked to roleplay as your friend, or suddenly decided to pretend that you don't exist. I'm not sure if I did something wrong, but I sure would like to.

Choir used to be my favorite class, and now I'm just waiting for it to end. Sometimes, I hope I die before the final concert in a few weeks, but then they'll probably have this black-and-white picture of me where people who haven't spoken to me and ignored my existence for months would shed shallow tears and be all like "they really tied the whole class together" or some other bullshit that they only decide to believe because allistic people get oddly emotional about people they don't even really know dying.

So, I'll probably wait to die. I'll do it after the concert. /j

Maybe I'm just being dramatic and everything is in my head, idk. But I feel oddly alone despite us singing a song called "you do not walk alone," lmao.