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Bueno. La verdad, no sé muy bien cómo empezar con esto de redactar mis pensamientos. Yo solía escribir, solía ser "lo mío", pero desde hace unos años no lo hago. Y este hecho tiene mucho que ver con el tema que voy a tratar.
Hay una oración que he repetido muchas veces desde hace un par de años: "Siento que, desde que empecé la universidad, me han lobotomizado". Es como si mi cerebro fuera más lento, como si todo me costara un poco más, como si todas las cosas que me gustaban ahora me gustasen menos. Se siente como si una parte de mi persona se hubiera perdido, pero ¿dónde?
¿se quedó esa parte de mí en un limbo? ¿en qué limbo? ¿por qué? ¿cómo?
Finalmente, este año pude ir a terapia por primera vez en mi vida. Y he descubierto muchas cosas. Bueno, quizá son cosas que ya sabía, porque me gusta sentarme a pensar, que es lo que se hace en el psicólogo (solo que en voz alta). Entre otras cosas he descubierto que soy autista, que no me siento especialmente unido a mis padres, y, el tema de este blog, he descubierto que accidentalmente basé una gran parte de mi valor como persona en algo en lo que nadie debería de basar gran parte de su valor; los estudios.
Durante mi adolescencia, lo cierto es que no tuve muchos hobbies. Solía gustarme mucho jugar a videojuegos, pero cuando tenía 13 años una "gran tristeza" se apoderó de mí durante más de un año. Desde entonces, jugar, leer, escribir... no ha sido lo mismo. Nunca se ha vuelto a sentir igual de bien.
Todo lo que hacía era encerrarme en mi cuarto a "estudiar" y "hacer deberes", y lo pongo entre comillas porque en realidad la mayor parte del tiempo que estaba encerrado en mi cuarto simplemente estaba existiendo, sin hacer nada más. Quizá, si me encerraba 5 horas, solo 2 de esas 5 horas estaba efectivamente haciendo cosas de clase. Y aún así, conseguía sacar nueves y dieces. Sí, estoy describiendo el tan famoso "gifted kid syndrome". Al parecer, no soy la única persona que se siente así. Hay millones de personas que han tenido una experiencia tan parecida a la mía que es escalofriante. Aprovecho para avisaros de una cosa: si alguna vez pensáis que estáis solos en algo, no es así. JAMÁS es así. Siempre habrá muchas personas que hayan experimentado una situación parecida a la vuestra, o que tengan unos sentimientos tan extremadamente complejos como los vuestros. Quizá incluso esas personas que comparten vuestro dolor o confusión están en vuestro entorno cercano y no lo sabéis.
Bien. El "gifted kid syndrome" es un fenómeno, NO un diagnóstico clínico, en el que las personas que lo sufren consiguen sacar muy buenas notas sin esfuerzo en el instituto, de manera que no desarrollan hábitos de disciplina y constancia. Una vez llegan a la universidad, hablando mal y pronto, se pegan un hostión. No solo eso, sino que, como a mí me ha pasado, inconscientemente acaban basando gran parte de su valía como seres humanos en el hecho de que son "buenos estudiando". Por eso desde que entré a la universidad me siento tan mal. He "perdido" una parte de mí que no sabía ni que estaba ahí.
Pero... ¿ha estado realmente ahí alguna vez? o, mejor dicho, ¿merece la pena que esa sea una parte de mí? ¿un número que define qué tan bien me ha salido un examen, o qué tanto sé sobre una asignatura...?
No. Pues por supuesto que no. ¿Por qué iba a aferrarme a algo que me hace tan infeliz? He llorado múltiples veces en el transporte público, preguntándome por qué me sentía tan infeliz si he cumplido el único sueño que había tenido nunca: entrar a la universidad que quiero, estudiando la carrera que quiero. Es aún peor pensar en la cantidad de esfuerzo que invertí para llegar aquí, entonces, ¿por qué narices me deprimo? No tiene sentido. Creo que merezco algo más que sentirme como si hubiera hecho algo terriblemente mal todo el tiempo. No sé si me merezco ser feliz, pero, desde luego, no me merezco estar así de triste. Estoy haciendo todo lo que puedo, así que, ¿por qué cojones debería de sentirme mal?
Por todo esto, cada vez que me siento terriblemente mal por algo, me hago esta pregunta: ¿Es el fin del mundo? ¿Va esta situación a acabar conmigo? Si no apruebo ese examen, ¿me diagnosticarán cáncer terminal? Si mis padres se enfadan conmigo, ¿vendrá alguien con un hacha a matarme?
Ahora, os pregunto... esa cosa que tanto os preocupa, que tan mal os hace sentir, ¿va a acabar con vosotros?
Si la respuesta es no, respira, tiene solución.
ENGLISH
Well. The truth is, I don’t really know how to start putting my thoughts into words like this. I used to write — it used to be my thing — but I haven’t done it in years. And that has a lot to do with what I’m about to talk about.
There’s a sentence I’ve repeated over and over these past couple of years: “I feel like ever since I started university, I’ve been lobotomized.” It’s like my brain is slower, like everything takes more effort, like all the things I used to love just don’t feel the same anymore. It feels as if a part of me is gone… but where did it go?
Did that part of me get stuck in some kind of limbo? What kind of limbo? Why? How?
This year, for the first time in my life, I finally started therapy. And I’ve discovered a lot of things. Or maybe they’re things I already knew, because I’ve always liked sitting down and thinking — which is basically what you do in therapy, just out loud. Among other things, I’ve realized that I’m autistic, that I don’t feel particularly close to my parents, and — the main point of this piece — that I accidentally built a big part of my self-worth around something no one should rely on that heavily: academics.
During my teenage years, I didn’t really have many hobbies. I used to love playing video games, but when I was 13, a kind of “great sadness” took over me for more than a year. Since then, playing, reading, writing… it’s never felt the same. It’s never felt as good.
All I really did was lock myself in my room to “study” and “do homework” — and I put that in quotes because, in reality, most of the time I was just… existing. If I spent five hours in my room, maybe only two of those hours were actual schoolwork. And still, I kept getting top grades. Yeah — I’m describing that well-known “gifted kid syndrome.” Apparently, I’m not the only one who feels this way. There are millions of people who’ve had experiences so similar to mine that it’s almost unsettling. Let me say something, just in case you need to hear it: if you ever feel like you’re alone in something, you’re not. You never are. There will always be people who’ve gone through something similar, or who carry feelings just as complex as yours. Some of them might even be closer to you than you think, and you just don’t know it.
“Gifted kid syndrome” is a phenomenon — not a clinical diagnosis — where people get very good grades in school without much effort, so they never really develop discipline or consistency. Then university hits, and, bluntly, they crash. But it’s not just that. Like it happened to me, they often end up unconsciously tying a big part of their value as human beings to being “good at studying.” That’s why I’ve felt so bad since starting university. I’ve “lost” a part of myself I didn’t even know was there.
But… was it ever really there? Or better yet — is that even a part of me worth having? A number that tells me how well I did on an exam, or how much I know about a subject…?
No. Of course not. Why would I cling to something that makes me this unhappy? I’ve cried on public transport more times than I can count, asking myself why I feel so miserable when I’ve achieved the only dream I ever had: getting into the university I wanted, studying what I wanted. It makes it worse when I think about how much effort it took to get here — so why the hell do I feel depressed? It doesn’t make sense. I think I deserve something more than feeling like I’ve done something terribly wrong all the time. I don’t know if I deserve to be happy, but I definitely don’t deserve to feel this sad. I’m doing everything I can, so why the hell should I feel this bad?
Because of all this, whenever something makes me feel awful, I ask myself one question: Is this the end of the world? Is this situation going to destroy me? If I fail that exam, will I be diagnosed with terminal cancer? If my parents get mad at me, is someone going to show up with an axe and kill me?
Now I’ll ask you… that thing that worries you so much, that makes you feel this bad — is it going to destroy you?
If the answer is no, then breathe. There’s a way through it.
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I feel you so much. I feel like I'm reading myself in you. I don't think we should base our worth on our system. I think it's designed to destroy us, and it's a system that is extremely limited. It's built on norms, expectations, constant comparaison, all made up concepts. It can never fully represent who we are. The moment you start to compare and define yourself through grades and performances, you reduce yourself to something that in reality doesn't define you at all. It's like your letting something external define you, when it just represents a small, tiny little part of you. And in this system, unfortunately, comparision is unavoidable. You constantly mesure yourself with everyone, but when you realize that there is no one to compare yourself to, because you are absolutely unique in the world, you become free. Life is so different for everyone, comparing everyone to everyone is completely idiotic and useless. And if you feel like a part of you is gone, trust me, it's still here. It just doesn't have the oportunity to express itself. It's a part of you that has been pushed down all your life, by routine and the pressure you put on yourself. The hardest part in life isn't to be ourselves, because we all already are, but it is to be able to express it fully, freely. Constantly performing is exhausting, and let me tell you, it'll never be enough. You'll always find something to prove more, more to achieve. So building your identity on something that isn't real will never make you feel at peace. And honestly, there's only one thing you can do in the most, complete honest way there can be, it's to be yourself. You can only be yourself perfectly, so don't pretend to be something you're not. And last thing I want to add, most of these expectations aren't yours. They come from others, from what you've been taught, from what others told you to be. Most of the times from people who didn't manage to live up to their own expectations, so they're putting them on you instead. Don't live for that. I met some very old persons who were about to die, and they told me that their deepest regret was to have lived a life that wasn't their. This life is yours, so please do what makes you truly happy and at peace with your heart.
Gosh. I din't expect someone to leave a comment, let alone to leave a comment so wonderful as this. Thank you!!
I agree with most of the things you said; living trying to meet expectations all the time, whether those expectations come frome ourselves or not, is really really tiresome, and I think your advice is pretty good.
Tho, I wanted to ask you something:
You said that most expectations come from others and what we've been taught. That made me think: all the of the things we do and think, we've learned them from other. Our personality is an amalgamation of others people personalities. Knowing that, how can I (or anyone) know which expectations come from the real "me"?
I'm just curious about your response. I like the way you think, and the way you write.
Btw, sorry for my english, it's become kind of rusty.
by Bulbosaurio; ; Report
I am the one thanking you for your thought provoking blog ! I'm very glad my words reached you. Your question is a topic that I think about a lot. I don't think we'll ever reach a point in life where we'll be absolutely sure of who we are. I think it's normal that there will always be some level of doubt when it comes to our identity. Because to me, almost everything we are is shaped by what we've been exposed to all our life, like our environment, our culture, our family. For exemple, if the exact same person as me was born somewhere completely different from where I am, they would have grew up differently, think differently, value completely different things. Even though deep down, we are the same. So a huge part of us is learned, but there's still somethig 'real' underneath, it's just a part that is more difficult to access. And as how to get closer to it, I think you have to question things. Not only things, everything. To question everything you've known, everything you defend, your beliefs, your values, your rules, to distance yourself from it, to become an observer. To examine it and tell yourself : where does this belief come from ? Is it something that I align with or something that I just absorbed ? When you do that, you start to notice patterns, ideas so absurds that you've been carrying all this time just because of how you were raised. Over time, most of them will stop making sense to you, and new things you discovered will make you feel more aligned with yourself. Honestly, it's not about finding a 'true self' to me, but more about completely deconstructing our previous vision of the world to realize how broad it actually is, and that the ideas we carried all this time that we thought defined our whole reality turned out to be just small, tiny limited perspectives of it. It's important to not fall into the ideas and patterns that feel familiar and comfortable, but the ones that actually resonates with you, even if it's scary. And to answer your question, ironically, the more you go through that process, the less you feel like you need to impose stricts expectations on yourself, because the goal changed from controlling yourself to understanding yourself. It's really all about becoming aware to me. And don't worry about your english ! I understand you perfectly, my english is a bit broken too !
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