oh wow

wednesday, april 30, 2026 (this is a vent post)

i just want to get things off my chest

im not sure how to start this, its been a while since my last blog entry

well, a lot has happened. like a lot. im not even sure where to start

since april 1st ive been feeling horrible, it was the day after grad

weeks before that wretched day, me and my friends were just hanging out

yk, practicing, planning and playing together

i recall a few things that dispirited me within those weeks

my friends suddenly backing out of prom, leaving just me and my other friend together

they said they would go but backed out like 3 weeks before the event

said bc they were busy with church, some family problem, no money, and simply bc they did not want to go

i mean this isnt a big of a deal, if they cant or dont want to go then theres nothing i can do about that

but it did make me a bit sad since i wanted to party with them

but i had an idea to just hang out after the day of prom

but guess what? they couldnt go for whatever reason. only one was able to and we just decided not to do it

another was when we were playing uno and i wanted to ask them about what to do after grad day

no one answered, even though i was right there

it wasnt like i was speaking quietly or there was a comically loud train passing by

they just continued playing as if i wasnt there

we have been trying to plan this for weeks but no one seems to be actually interested in going

this other one was a joke my two friends said

it was just a typical "art will get u nowhere", "are u srs about taking an art related course?", "u wont earn money if u get that" joke

ive always told myself that i shouldnt care if these things were said to me but hearing it from my friends was really wounding

even my mom doesnt say that, in fact she tells me to pursue what i want

the whole day i was just trying not to cry and yes i know thats pathetic

for some reason my friends always left me hanging

im not sure if theyre doing it on purpose or maybe were just not as close as i think we are

anyway what really nailed it to the coffin was the day after grad ofc

i was excited, it was the last time me and all my friends are ever gonna hang out together

ofc they didnt seem to be excited at all

we werent able to go out that day, one was hungover and the other was busy with something

if one wasnt available then we couldnt possibly go

it seemed to me that i was the only one truly trying to make an effort to hang out

they were always like this

that day was such a horrible day, like i cried for 4 hours straight

not just bc of the fact that we couldnt go but bc of all the things that happened throughout the whole month just came crashing down on me

then i cried the day after that and then day after that and so on

everything just made me want to cry after that day

i thought i was getting better, back then i wrote all about me feeling horrible and i would read that and think "im so glad im not like this anymore!"

well

im like in this constant state of living happily without a care in the world and feeling unloveable and lonely

sometimes idek why im feeling sad i just am

idk whatever honestly

im so jealous of my friends

they have people to talk to when they need

they have people to play games with them if they wanted

i have them but most of the time they dont even bother

i text in the gc and its like im not even there

i hate how desperate i am trying to be friends with my friends

i hate myself for disliking them because theyre not even bad people

i still adore them and i still miss them

and im a coward for not talking to them about this

but i dont want to lose them despite of it all

theyre the only friends i have

i am feeling better these past few days so yeah

im getting my hair dyed tomorrow 

and im getting a new phone in a few weeks!!!!

not getting my hopes up but my mom asked me what color of the ip17 pro i wanted sooo likeee

uhh thts all guys

fran out brahhh 🦈 (sorry if my grammar suckz lol :PPPP)