Oh my babydoll...

I let it all out,

How am i supposed to fix this when its getting a little bad again? I cant fulfill his desires as i was looking forward onto it but im way too shy to make it happen. Well, it makes me suffocate sometimes and i know this will happen. I still dont wanna tell him that im still overthinking about the things that will happen to our relationship since he also loved that girl too. It makes me a lil hurt but its for the good. If hes gonna break up with her, she will threaten him to kill herself. It happens alot of times. 

Im not a freak-type person, well sometimes though. Its also hard for me to stop or limit myself from touching. My body needs it and I feel disgusted for what ive done. I somtimes cried mid-session as my mind snapls back in reality. I felt embarassed. Sometimes i stopped it, but there were times that i pushed myself just to feel that. There was a time when i sent him a voicemail of me while i did it, and then i sobbed silently as my mind overthinks about smth else. 

Sometimes, its kind of fragility that i wanted to let it all out to someone who unserstands me. But still, i want to make him happy like he makes me happy too. But there were times that i cant fulfill it.

I feel so guilty for what ive done. Im way too tired to do everything. I just wanna talk to him but, hes mad at me. Or upset about something that he knew already about me.