sometimes im not good enough and thats alright

i recently decided to sit out the local basketball tournament that includes all the teams in the country. i decided to do this because i realized that im not good enough.

a week ago, i was at practice. ive always had trouble with my confidence when trying new things. we were playing 5v5 at practice and i was on a team with some of my friends, including one of my good friends. i was nestled in the corner when i caught the ball and missed the mark. i glanced at my friend who had an unchanging expression of concentration on his face. i couldnt help but think to myself "i couldve made that. why didnt i?" the next possession, on defense, me and him switched defenders. we went back after a bit of time and it seemed like i blundered. i was ridiculed but couldnt help to think "what did i do wrong?" but said nothing.

after the scrimage, i overhead some talk among the star players, saying that they had no one else good enough to pass the ball to, and that the teams were unfair. i couldnt help but think that my friend was focusing on me. in fact, i knew that he was talking about me. i knew myself that i was indeed the worst person on the team, that i was doing too much on defense that amounted to nothing, and too little on offense that also amounted to nothing. the fact that i thought that in the first place made me make this decision. 

i realized that if im not good enough to do this in practice, how on earth would i fair against other people my age doing this every day?


this is my first year on the team, and theres a nagging feeling that makes me feel like im too hard on myself, but theres another part of me telling me that i can do better. that theres others that started at the same time as me, even LATER then me that are performing better. i feel like a failure, and that sucks since i really do enjoy playing basketball.

im certain things will get better, but in the mean time, this decision feels like the best thing to do.