a poem on outpacing grief

this house has seen lovers come and go

friends that i havent seen in years

pets that are no longer on this earth

as much as she has held me

shaped me

formed me

she has also kept me safe

but i feel as if she no longer keeps me safe

ive never been much of an anxious person, yet my nerves are shot

im looking around my shoulder during my neighborhood walks just in case

the persistent nightmares betray the joys i feel during the daytime

long drags of what's in my hand slow down the passing days

im desperately clinging onto how the jasmine smells

the birds sing calls of hope and sorrow

i don't want to go

this is my home, my land

i can't believe this is happening

i was never one for keeping secrets

but this one is the greatest one ive kept of all

i have been in a perpetual state of grief for years

only soothed by the next distraction

consumed by the next project

running to the next obligation

when have I ever stopped?

my surroundings indicate to me that i never have

a man once asked about it while laying in my bed on a freezing night

"do you regret anything you've done, now that you know what happens?"

but i have no regrets for the path i've chosen

i only wish i could warn myself

that leaving would slowly

break my heart