subjects I love and why

just to start this off looking back I probably should have put more thought into what I was picking as this will kinda decide my future but whatever, I'm happy with my decisions and as long as I take all AP then who really cares. yeah I may be a bit of a nerd but at the same time I feel as if I know less than most people so it balances out.

I could only pick three of these subjects so sadly half of them had to go (apart from psycology and coding as my school didn't offer those as full subjects)

coding

I LOVE tech. Especially making and coding tech. There is no greater joy in my life then the feeling of having completed something and thinking I did a good job and no subject brings that same sense of satisfaction than this, yes I sew and cook and draw and yes I can play Mozart on both flute and piano but those forms of creation are little less than footnotes upon the sheer mystery and power that the world of wires and machines does already hold.

to be there making websites and games and all those there little things that bury themselves like flowers to dirt within our every waking moment, to understand and speak the languages that have shaped our past 100 years, how could anyone not want this? how could anyone do themselves such a disservice as to turn a blind eye to the way our new world works. IT is the new biology, machines the new us. we are gods children and now we have children of our own. does that really mean nothing to you? do you not understand the world was built by artists? do you not realise the medium has changed?

psychology

I have only done psychology for what? a month? two? anyway it was a very small class that never went anywhere, not even really meant to be a legitimate consideration of a new subject. the manifestation of all of my life of false hope. like the memory of dreams I watched as it slipped away through my fingers, too caught up in loosing it all to enjoy what was simply there.

As hard as I try, which in all fairness is not very much at all, I am just so incredibly strange to most people, my brain just simply does not function how most so effortlessly do... and it taunts me, the knowledge of answers to my brain perhaps being out there... the thrill of the chance... the excitement at what I could discover, of what I could do if only I had concrete explanations as to how I am so different and more importantly as to how to finally use that to my advantage. those who understand psychology have such a great and deeper level of control over anyone and anything else, to know the interworks of the mind so intimately as to be able to play it like an instrument of your own self fulfilment... one can only dream.

history

my mother got a phd in history, my grandfather his master and thereof my uncles their bachelors. What can I say? it runs in my blood. Even if I din't love history (which is something I do and am very greateful for) I would have no real choice in the matter of picking this. To put it simply in my family there are those who serve and those who are served, most women falling into the first category but not all, no, there exists a way out, a quiet revolution that is intelligence, and the best way to prove your worth sitting among those who have done just as you do before you? Study the old worlds, learn of battles and politics of long dead countries and furthermore talk of it whenever you can, rubbing your abilities in the faces of all those born without them as if to say "yes I may have been born of the weaker sex but I am still one of you, I deserve my place here". 

It is not easy though, if I, as my mother did, were to crack under the pressures of it all, fall deep into inescapable burnout and far from grace, then that would be a far more mortal sin than that of simply being stupid. To have tried and proven yourself nothing. To have given it all and been incapable of any feat except the one of letting that trying consume you.

this said do not worry about me, dear reader, I won't fail, I can't fail, I have done enough in my time to be the family disappointment and that is a badge of no honour at all. I will right my wrongs and forge my own history, learn whatever I can and prove nt just to them but to myself that I am no failure, that I can be as they are, no, that I AM. I thank god every day that history is easy to me, a natural obsession I can nurture within myself greater than any other power known to man. So yeah, AP history, you'll hate to see me coming next year. I know I won't.

engineering

when I joined my new high school I was so happy to see they offered engineering, and so sad to see that the class was all guys but me, I understand (god I don't know how I couldn't) that I don't make things like this particularly easy on myself, I'm loud, I talk back, I dye my hair and wear ripped up clothing popping bubble gum in the back of every class... so it's no wonder that they took to me like any pack of animals would to new juicy fresh meat... still, as much as I like to lie to myself I didn't transfer out of eningeering to get away from those sly comments and dangerous glances, even though they didn't help, no, I did it simply and stupidly because my ex wanted to have a class with me and it felt like the easiest thing to loose.

some nights I lie awake wondering how many things I let pass me by for that man, how many little happiness I deprived myself of to drag that relationship out for a whole 7 months. whatever, yes I loved engineering but I'm not going to go back one again on my decisions, I think I deserve at least a little more than that. 

maybe in another life.

theology/philosophy

To think is to be. To understand is to mark a line right down the heart of the natural world, separating yourself fully as human among animals... and what is this if not the study of our understanding, the logic and conclusions us as homo-sapiens found to reach when the world of fact and science was so far beyond us.

yes I transferred to this class for a guy, yes I spend most of this class annoying my teacher with my opinions on everything he has to say, yes I get the highest grades on all my essays, yes I hate this class, yes I love it at the same time.

look, okay, the world revolves around a couple things aside from the sun, one of which is faith, weather that be in god or science or yourself or celebrities everyone believes something, and that nitty gritting why and how are one of the two most important questions a person can ask if they actually want to get to a point of understand when it comes to... well, honestly, anything. we live in culture, we move and breathe and feel all through a perspective formed by other people and options that are not ours, you think religion doesn't affect you? you think philosophy is an outdated science? well fuck you I hate you and you're wrong. it is in times when people believe such things do not matter the they in fact matter the most in the world. In a world so set on globalisation and cultural dilution the practice of knowing your history, your roots, your faith, is one of both radical necessity and importance. 

biology

two words: hot. teacher. I joke, a little, my biology teacher is so fine and just so interested in all the same fields that I am, but I digress there is more to me than a silly little girl with a head filled with thoughts of toys and boys who are far to old for me. Biology within itself is fascinating, it's the study f life, of cells and sex and everything in-between. to exist how we do, to be just so disgustingly weak and biological is such a flaw how could I not develop at least some level of morbid fascination of the reasons behind my own putrid existence.

better yet this is really one of those subjects where you just shut up and take notes and as much as that is slowly being filtered out to pander to those less capable of doing such it is nice to be there at the last stands of what feels like a real and legitimate education. diagrams and labels and revision... god.. what more could I want? no, seriously, it's my bread and butter. I love it. to sit there and scribble down as much as I can take of all the ways in which I and everyone else is just so perfectly broken, to learn of all those magical enhancements and tricks we are developing to fix it. It's poetry, pure and unadultured fucking poetry. One day, god willing, I really hope to be one of those people sitting in a lab making designer babies or skin suits for roots or anything cool like that. the further we can blur the line between man and machine the better I say, but how can I even begin to do that until I fully understand what exactly it is that makes us human?

business

You know how I said that I want nothing more than to work in a lab? well that's not entirely true, I have many careers I think I would enjoy, another strong contender would be working in the field of business, banking and investment. that's what my dad did, you know, before he matriculated and became a hippie living off his parents and the tinning kindness of lesser minded strangers and all. Call me shallow, call me sick but there was very little times in my life I experienced joy like those times way back when when I had money, like shitloads of all that great unethical fat cat daddy's money and hey if he doesn't wanna be successful anymore I guess I'll just go and have to do it all myself, I have no problems with that. No problems at all.

Sitting there making stacks as I intern move around and multiply the wealth and success of others... who wouldn't love such a thing? remember when I said the earth revolves around many other things aside from the sun? well, hate to break it to you like this but one of those is none other than that infamous and titillating thing known as cold hard cash. Hate it if you don't have it as much as you want but you know you'd love it if you had. face it, everyone wants the private pool and holiday house and the maid and the big TV, but not everyone can have that stuff no no, that's what's so great about money, it's one of the few real things in the world most people have to really work for. Yes obviously there are those who get that shit handed to them but I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about us, the under-dogs, the little guys, the ones with all the potential in the world to fucking be somebody they just simply aren't yet. Don't you want it? come on, I know you do.

ok that's all, I don't know why anyone would read this but if you have made it this far, thanks, I think I just needed to rant.