the urge to disappear.

millions of messages flooding your phone.

millions of demands requested from you.

millions of ali can you do xyz.

yet not once have I felt human within all of this. felt like a person that was cared for. and just wanted to GO.

there has always been a urge for me to disappear from everyone. an urge to just calmly block out everyone but the people I truly care about and just go. its easier said than done. and it doesn't work out ever. I have people that are always looking forward to me and my presence and I can't just go woosh out of my current life as guilt will eat the life out of me. the true question is why do I feel this urge? why do I feel the urge to just leave everything behind and start fresh when I am already starting fresh? there are so many different places it stems from but no direct answer. that's how life goes. as social as i am, the truth is i have always felt like I am there just to please people. I don't think I have ever been able to truly express myself and the things I love and enjoy doing. which when you look at it from a certain angle. its nobody's fault but mine. and theres no where to go either because as much as people offer to talk to you about it, the stereotype that a man must be a man and should shut up and suck it up will always exist in my head. I have only felt comfortable with one person talking about my issues and everyday I feel like I drag everything down, I feel like i'm letting out too much when I should just suck it up.

the truth is, I love my people. I love the people I have met and I love the people I continue to have a relationship with. but the urge to just disappear has been stronger than ever. even when I know it would never happen. knowing that I have a purpose I haven't found and I have people that I have to show care for. It just hurts knowing that I can't find the time to be at peace with myself. 

love y'all, stay safe.