Trying to be Real v.s. Personal Growth

I don't really know how I'm going to formulate this, but I just felt like talking about this, as it's been on my mind as of late. 
Now, I know we're on Spacehey, it's not exactly the most religious or virtuous place in the world, so I really don't expect this blog to be super relatable to everybody... but hey, maybe it will be.

So, as a Christian -Catholic to be specific- I have a lot of things I have to do, and things I have to become in a sense. An overwhelming need and drive to become something other than I am, something better than what I've been. Yet every single time I try to act in a more virtuous manner, or whenever I choose to intentionally be the bigger person even when it doesn't feel innate or natural, I feel nothing but this sense that I'm faking it, y'know? I feel like I'm just pretending, being one of those people who is outwardly virtuous but internally corrupt. That's one of my biggest earthly fears, is being one of those people.

And that's not to say personal growth isn't a good thing, no it totally is. But if you've ever tried to make a positive change in your life, whether it is to be more virtuous, or to be healthier, or what-have-you, there's always this feeling that what you're doing is more performative than it is earnest. At least, that's how I've felt for the past while, ever since I really started taking religion seriously a few years back.

And in all honesty, that feeling makes it so easy to just sit back and ignore it. It's just so much easier to not even try to be anything more than I am, because if there's one thing I care about most of all (outside of God, ofcccc), it's being transparent. Being honest. Integrity is easily one of the ideas I regard in the highest way. But it gets to a point where trying to change, feels like I'm breaking that commitment to honesty and transparency. Even if I'm not doing it in front of anyone else. Even if the only people that see what I'm doing is myself, the Angels and Saints, and God. I feel like I'm lying to them, and trying to trick them, even if I know that's impossible.

Have you guys felt like this at all throughout your guys' own personal growth stories? I know this was a bit of a heavy topic for my first blog post, but what can I say? I don't like to pad things with stupid, simple fluff. If I say something, it's likely something I feel is worth saying.

Anyways, if you actually did read through all of this, thank you greatly! While this is still more of a personal rant than anything, I'm still honored that you bothered to read it in the first place. And if you didn't read it, well then I don't blame you, but what are you doing on this blog-post then??