Ask Polly why I stopped dating.

https://www.thecut.com/2017/11/ask-polly-i-hate-men.html

The article above speaks unapologetically to the many reasons why women sometimes feel a sense of hatred toward men, especially when it comes to relating to them, platonically OR romantically.

I've been single my entire adult life.  I've had plenty of encounters and some brief relationships with hopes of more from several men, but I just haven't been lucky in love.  It hasn't helped that my dating pool is mostly men in midlife transition who are hopelessly fucked up. 

Most people bring some sort of baggage into the experience of dating.  I've done a lot of challenging, deep work on my self and past trauma and have come out the other side a stable, productive, multi-faceted, affectionate person with incredible depth and a wicked sense of humor.  I stand on my own two feet.  I don't need a man to define me.  I don't need a relationship to prop up my sense of self.

Sometimes, though, I think men find me emotionally intimidating because of that.  They say they want a strong, independent woman, but then don't know what to do with me!  It's bizarre and disappointing. More than once, men I once dated, or attempted to date came back later and told me that they were just overwhelmed by their own bullshit and couldn't handle themselves or me, or anything, really.  

All this time alone, and all that rejection over such sorry, inaccurate, self-sabotaging bullshit.  That's no way to be and it certainly hasn't been fun for me.  My therapist was right when he said it's not about me, it's about them, and that's true of every rejection I've ever experienced.  I am a fucking awesome woman.  People who reject me are doing so for their own reasons, and not because I am somehow defective or not good enough.  Let me tell you, though; it's incredibly difficult to believe that when you've been alone for 20+ years. 

Recently, I stopped dating because I'd had it with the shitty behavior I've experienced from men when it comes to dating and relating.  

They use the first date as a forum for negotiating sex, or simply start groping me or physically invading me without asking.  

They treat me like a sexual novelty. 

Instead of simply saying that it's not a good match like a normal fucking human being, they disappear and refuse to respond.  

Some won't meet in person and instead inundate me with constant texts and overwhelming need for contact, like I'm a surrogate mommy or therapist (which most of them absolutely need).  

They try to get to know me, but treat dating like a formulaic transaction, with sex on the 2nd or 3rd date being the expectation.  It's the entitlement I truly hate.  Men can go home and masturbate just like anyone else. I need to get to know someone before I'm ready for sex. That's how I'm wired and there's nothing wrong with that.  Sex only works for me when I know and trust someone.  It is not my job as a woman to get anyone off, especially when I'm left wanting and feeling used. 

All I've ever wanted was a companion and best friend who loves me and accepts my love and affection in return.  Somehow, that is too much to ask for most men coming out of divorces or failed relationships.  My forties have been a frustrating exercise in futility with male fragility when it comes to dating.  

Most men I've met act like love is threatening or outright terrifying.  They act as though I'm going to annihilate them emotionally.  They hold me at arms length, refusing to connect, and putting me on a shelf or file me away in their "favorites" list so they can pop up out of nowhere a year later acting like we have this established friendship when they ask me how I've been, when the truth is they don't know anything about me.  They are utterly clueless about connection, devoid of any sense of trust, and horribly wounded when it comes to love.  And, just like it's not my job to get them off, it sure as shit ain't my job to fix them.  

So, like Polly in the article, I've decided that I am still open to relationships and love, but that I'm more interested in doing whatever the fuck I want to with no apologies.  I don't need a man to do the things I love, but if one of them would like to join me, I'd cherish the opportunity.  If I've lived this long without a relationship, it should be abundantly clear by now that I don't need a man to be whole.  Sure, I'm lonely as fuck many times, but I can find my way and explore how to connect with people in other ways.  If I do start using apps and actively seeking dates again down the line, I think I'm going to seek out trans men.  I don't think I'll find what I'm looking for in bio males.  

Please men, for the love of gawd. Work on your bullshit.  DO THE WORK.