summer

the winds are changing course towards me and on them they carry the promises of new adventure.

sophomore year was like nothing I could've imagined and despite my many regrets I am glad it brought me here, to the person I am today. It is strange to think about how very little summers I do have left and more so how after this one I will officially be two years older than the age everyone expected me to be dead by. yes, I wish I could have spent my earlier teenage years doing anything but free falling within myself, consumed by depression, maybe if I had just tried harder to be normal I wouldn't be failing in school.. maybe if I had gotten the treatment I needed.. maybe if things were different.. but they're not and above all else that is the past and to dwell in it would be to simply perpetuate all that suffering I am trying so hard to let go of.

next week will be my last day of actual school and then two weeks of rehearsals for my mandatory sophomore school pay (ugh) and then? nothing but pure freedom. maybe I will spend these warm summer days locked inside studying, making up for lost time, but I doubt it. I don't really want to anyway, one of my friends (James) is getting a car in July for his birthday so maybe we could all take a road trip. I hope so, that sounds like fun.

honestly I don't really know what people do during summer, I mean yes, obviously I've had summers before this one, 15 to be precise, but most of those were spent wasting time or enrolled in course after course by my mother in the hopes of shaping me into less of a disappointment... so for real if anyone has any ideas please tell me I think I will need a few :)

optimism is a strange and powerful emotion I am only now really coming to understand but so far I think I like it, I think I like it a lot.