Public Journal Entry #2

Journal Entry #2

Night of this Journal: April 24th

Topic/Train of Thought: The Pit of Negativity 

Dear not-so-newborn journal, 

I’m in a bit of an emotional funk right now. Which is especially pissing me off cause I had gotten so into the habit of getting a bit “depressed” like this in the winter and kinda fixing it around March, but nope, here I am. To preface, I’m on my period and lacking sleep more than usual, so I’m not literally saying I’m depressed. It’s more like everything annoying and overwhelming decided to hit me at once.

Starting where I tend to start with these journals, the issue can kind of be traced to by brother’s somewhat recent passing. In my current ASL class we had to make a family tree to then sign for our upcoming test, and I was struck with a dilemma. I wasn’t sure if I should add my late brother. In my mind, I’m so used to saying I have 2 brothers, it never really occurred to me that I would have to break that habit at any point so soon. It’s only complicated by the fact that technically I have 4 brothers, with two being the twins that passed away a few weeks after being born about a year before I was born. I never included them when I spoke about my family because I never met them and they had passed so it was awkward to bring up, but now 3/4 brothers have passed and it’s a great lot different when one of them you actually grew up with for 18 years. It just felt weird to exclude my recently deceased brother, but it also felt weird to add all 4 brothers when I never met 2. I ended up just adding the 2 brothers I grew up with, but I guess a part of me feels guilty for kind of erasing the twins. Like it feels unfair. 

On top of that it’s graduation season which I knew would be hard for me since my late brother was preparing to move away to college before his cancer got bad and he was always my main supporter in the family for moving off to college even when he was on his deathbed. Now I’m stuck looking for roommates on instagram and i find one I really get along with who’s interested but my mom won’t let me commit to her because it’s too soon after us starting to DM each other. The issue wasn’t that for me it’s how she said it. She was saying like “maybe she won’t like you doing your braids in the dorm and will gossip about you having extensions cause she isn’t black”, “her instagram only has like 3 posts isn’t that suspicious”, “one of these posts has her wearing a hospital bracelet did you ask what that’s about”, and ofc “do you know how many siblings has?”. And ofc she continues to rant about how I should know this and how I should prepare myself on how to answer when she asks because it will come up in convos and ofc I’m overwhelmed asf and crying and she’s tryna be all comforting but I really hate that when I’m mad so I just wanted her to leave me alone. Plus I had to tell my prospective roomie I couldnt commit to her yet which made me feel bad after getting her all excited. 

On top of that (again!) my mom told me one of my besties was apparently planing on going to prom with her ex but not to bring it up cause she found out through her mom. I wasn’t even mad she had gotten back together with him I just got even more pissed off cause she didn’t tell me. I had been trying to arrange prom plans for ages and nobody was responding to my texts or saying anything definitive. My other two friends (same as in journal #1.5) denied my plans on the side saying they had already made plans. And I was okay with it cause I had a feeling they would and also they at least told me two weeks ahead of time. But a part of me is mad they didn’t even pretend they wanted to invite me. 

The last person I’m mad it is why I’m writing this right now. She’s another one of my besties and the one of few who actually was upfront and on time with me about prom planning. Issue stems from today. I am obviously mad tired and overwhelmed as I described earlier and today my schedule was PACKED. I had school, then two club meetings, then I had to do volunteer coaching for volleyball. Early in the day I told her I would be willing to go to the Micheal Jackson movie with her and my other bff (one I’m not mad at) if it was after my coaching and they agreed. Initially we were gonna go at 7:15 or so. I came back home from my club meeting completely worn out because of the things described earlier and on top of that my friend who might be going to prom with her ex cancelled on volunteer coaching same day so I would be alone to coach. I was so tired I barely said hi to my dad so I could take a 20 minute nap before going out again to coach. Coaching was exhausting as usual but I figured I’d get drive through food and head straight to the movie and maybe be a bit late. However, my friend texted saying she got us tickets for the 8pm show instead and already bought me a ticket so I can just pay her back. I told them that was fine cause I wanted to get food and they said to hold up so they could meet me at the restaurant. I wait for them in the parking lot for 10 minutes and then we go inside together and order our food. Here’s where I start to get pissed off. They both ordered to go without telling me. So I sit down to wait for my order and they sit with me and all is chill. My friend asks me to pay her for the ticket (which I didn’t ask her to buy) and I tell her I don’t have cash on me cause I don’t have my wallet cause i forgot it and I can’t Apple Pay outside of my parents due to restrictions. We also saw some kids from the team I coach eating there too. And then after like 5 minutes they tell me they ordered small portions to-go. And I’m in my head like “wtf?? I just ordered a meal for here cause u asked me to come in and eat with yall??” And they said that they wanted to leave in time to go to 5 below (WITHOUT ME BTW) to get candy for the movie. So they rush to get their order and leave me at the table BY MYSELF before my food even came. So now I’m sat alone in here being gawked at by the elementary schoolers I coach cause I totally got ditched… like idk but if I knew they were eating to go I would’ve just hit the drive thru. So anyway I rush eating my food in like 10-15 minutes cause I’m embarrassed and wanna get to the theater in time. And I get there and text them to tell me when they arrive cause my one friend bought my ticket. I wait ANOTHER TEN MINUTES with no response. And then they tell me to “hurry up cause the movie is gonna start soon”. And ofc I’m like “FYM hurry up I can’t get in the theater without you I’M waiting for YOU” and she’s just like “oh sorry lemme run out the theater to get you”. Like I’m sorry but atp I was pissed asfff. Cause why would act like you didn’t see me text TEN MINUTES AGO!! About how I was waiting for you and WHY THE HELLL would you go into the theater without me knowing you have my ticket?? Then she had the audacity to ask me for cash for the ticket again the moment we sat down. I told her AGAIN that I didn’t have my wallet and she’s like “oh sorry I thought u meant I forgot it in ur car” and I was like “nope it’s at home that’s why I said I’d pay you on Monday” but case in point I was annoyed with her. 

Later on were watching the movie and it’s the part with Micheal in the ISU after the burn incident and that obviously hit hard for me after seeing my own brother have his spirit whittled down by being in the ISU and eventually passing away the second time her went so I’m crying and just really wanted to go home. I don’t think she noticed ig cause she never said anything but I thought she looked over at me, idk nor do I care rn. But then after the movie she asked if her gf could come to the prom sleepover and I said I’d have to check with my mom but lwk I think I’m just gonna say no because I’m pissed at her and I don’t wanna talk to my mom about smth I know she wouldn’t like rn so I’m prolly gonna be a bitch this one time and lie to her. 

Anyway that’s all i am now in bed typing this all out to vent after crying alone upstairs for a couple minutes cause i had no idea who to tell all this too cause im so annoyed with everything and everyone. Then i remembered you! 

So thanks public journal. 

I needed that.

Good night.