Loneliness is a weird thing

I am an introvert, I study alone, I eat alone, I solve my problems alone but I just realised how different being alone is to the feeling of loneliness. For as long as I could remember, loneliness isn't something that I feel often. I mean I used to live with my siblings so the house can be very loud and siblings fights are a common thing. Often I found myself forcing my siblings to leave me alone because of how loud they are, but now (Living in my grandparents house without them) I will do anything just to have them here. 

In my grandparents house not only I learned about loneliness but I feel it quite often. On many nights I would cry on my bed, feeling extremely empty, and wondering if I should take my own life or not and to pretend like nothing happened on the next day. I thought this feeling will only last in my bed, but it turns out I still feel it in school.

I often get left out by my friend group because I am not those type of people who would follow your around like a puppy, I am the type of person who would just sit still on their chair and expecting for them to come to me instead so you can imagine how easily it is for them to left me. But usually I can handle it because I still have another friend, right behind me. 

My friendship with this guy is very complicated, its a really toxic one but also the one that got you attached. So when my teacher moved him away from my chair, I feel absolutely lonely and depressed but at the same time I know this is for my own good. This is the only chance for me to escape myself from that toxic environment, but it's hell.