1/17-18/2020

1/17/2020

Preface: I'm not a good person, but that doesn't mean I deserved this

I was still reeling from the fight with James and seeing Haley's tweet that same day. Honestly, I just needed a safe space to talk about the absolute shit I had been through. As Jeremy was one of the people I was closest to at the time, I asked him if we could have a sleepover. A kiki really, but I didn't want to sound old, and I had never heard him say "kiki" so I figured "sleepover" covered it. I could tell he was still repressing some residual feelings from breaking up with his abusive ex-boyfriend, Kyle, so I figured it could be an even exchange of trauma-dumping. And, like, I said that, too. I didn't use that term, because I hadn't heard it by that point in my life, and it also wasn't really my intention, but looking back, that's what the conversation would have been.

The thing about Jeremy, though, is that he's very good at not looking his problems or hard truths directly in the eye.

"Can we have a sleepover tonight? I really want to tell you about all the shit Haley's put me through. It'll be fun. We can get wasted and talk about the people that hurt us!" I offered.

He looked at me like I was a little bit crazy. To be fair though, his affectionate nickname for me was "Crackhead" so he almost always gave me that look when I asked him to hang out. "Bitch" was also well loved by him.

I followed up my unanswered proposition with, "I mean, we don't have to talk about them, but I could really use some friend-time." And when he still didn't respond, I leaned further into the pick-up window at our Starbucks kiosk and said, with the biggest pouty face possible, "Pleeeeeeeease?"

"Hoe," he finally said, "I'll pick you up at seven."

"Eeee! Yay! Okay, see you then!"

"Crackhead," he finished with a smirk.

I went home and let my fiance, Travis, know what my plans for the night were. He was cool with it. I grabbed my stuff and my InstaX camera, cause we cute, and headed out.

Jeremy drives a pretty little gunmetal sedan. That's about as much as I know about cars. The sedan was waiting for me outside. I hopped in and we drove to the liquor store on Washington.

"I'll be right back, any requests?" I asked my 20 year old chauffeur.

"Orange juice!"

Classic.

I Shopped around and grabbed some stuff I knew he would like. I grabbed Malibu Black- same price, twice as alcoholic- and some Rumchata. I normally drink Gin and Soda, but I knew his tastes were a bit more...... sugar oriented..... than mine. That's the nicest way I can think to put it.

I checked out and dashed back to the car with my loot.

"To pizza!" I commanded like a ship captain, as if I had any control over where we were going.

We grabbed whatever crappy pizza was by his apartment and the kiki began.

Music and drinking, interspersed with tiny Polaroid selfies was what the first few hours consisted of. We probably talked about Starbucks and old coworkers and regulars, but we didn't manage to touch the topic of ex's. It was fine. Once I was drinking, I knew if i started talking about my ex-best friend that I'd cry. I had a feeling that the same might be true for Jeremy with Kyle. We were having a great time and I didn't want to ruin the happy vibes, so I didn't push it.

Eventually we ended up where every hangout ever these days always ends up. On the couch, watching YouTube videos.

He found out that I had never been to a Disney park before, and took it upon himself to show me videos of all the rides. It was actually pretty fun. I was just drunk enough that I could pretend I was on the rides myself. It sounds silly, but we were having a blast. By the time he finished showing me all of the rides, we had made plans to drive down to California in the summer to remedy my abhorrent Disney-deficiency.

By the time midnight rolled around, I was very drunk. Not drunk enough, though, for the next game Jeremy decided to play. Strip-UNO. I Played anyway.

I was really uncomfortable with it, but I had a blanket to cover my body, and a million justifications to cover my anxieties.

"Friends play Strip-UNO. I'm pretty sure I've definitely heard people talk about that," I thought to myself.

The last time my friends took off their clothes, It was 10:30 at night, and they ran into the ocean like lunatics. I didn't join them, but it seemed like so much fun. I figured, I'm a grown adult, I've got to stop being a square at some point, right? So why not a game of Strip-UNO? It's just Jeremy and me, so there's hardly anyone to get embarrassed in front of! It's a perfect first toe in the water before I go canon-ball-ing into the pool that is stripping in front of your friends.

So we played.

Throughout the game, we conversed. One conversation stood out, though it was short.

I began, "A few months ago, I made out with James."

He was shocked. "Girl, no you didn't."

"I did, He's a really good kisser! I had to know!"

"He's not better than me."

"I don't know," I said teasingly. "I've kissed both of you now and his was something else."

Jeremy rolled his eyes. Punk.

Then, in a hushed tone, even though we were the only ones there, I added, "We made out for four and a half hours."

"Holy shit! So y'all were just going to sleep when I was getting up?!"

"Uh, depends, when did you get up?"

"Five."

"Yeah, you missed us by about a half an hour."

"Oh my god."

"You know," I started, blushing, "he choked me when we were kissing."

"Ew."

"What? It was hot!"

"Nah."

And like that I dropped it.

The game continued for a while after that, and eventually, came to an end.

"I lost!" I lamented.

"Haha, Bitch!" He exclaimed, rubbing it in.

I was naked first, though covered in a blanket. I put up a good fight, though, and nearly won, so he was also close to naked.

I didn't realize I had made a mistake until he walked over before I could put my clothes back on.

When I tried to get him to stop, he persisted. When I pushed him away, he pulled me back to him. And when I thought about the possibility of hurting his feelings by continuing to insist he stop, a wave took me and I let it happen.

That night, I chose a rotten friendship over my own life.

1/18/2020

"Last night was fun, huh?"

"mm." I agreed, not too enthusiastically. I was still trying to fight through the mornings hangover to figure out what had happened.

"Yeah, I knew you wanted to do that, from the moment you bought the alcohol," he said, cheerily.

"How did you know when I didn't?" I thought to myself.

"That must have been a real ego-boost for you," and before i could even register how weird that statement was, he followed it with, "It was an ego-boost for me. I needed that."

I helped my friend though his problems, I guess.

I got up and dressed. gathered my things, and headed home. I took half of the pictures we took, cause we cute, and I repressed.