newer poem by me

please give me feedback guyssssss

shattered

sitting in a cold room, crying without any tears left.
im not angry, im not sad anymore this time,
i feel numb.
for hoping to love you one day makes me feel dumb.

is it worth it to hate myself for months?
is it worth a few days of mania?
i thought it was so nice.
is it worth my dignity? my health? my sacrifice?

it is. 
i hate myself whether i have a reason to or not.
you made my hatred have purpose, you made my sacrifice have purpose.
you gave me a reason to.
it was you.

so thank you,
for lifting me up and dropping me again.
at least i got to see above the coulds.
i was confident, i had no doubts.

love is an addiction.
its a blessing and a curse.
in my case, a curse in the long run.
i do not love myself and therefore i can love none.

i'll always be affected by the maggots in my brain.
they know me and i know them.
they may not know love but they know sacrifice and pain.
they know how to hurt for you in vain.

i desire love but i dont get to feel it.
it is taken from me by my own actions.
i cannot exist without it and it exists without me.
i cannot exist with you, it hurts me.

and none of it matters, i'll laugh about this soon.
i'll say im such a fool for ever thinking about you this way.
ive been here so many times, i will recover.
my hope for us is not the first to fuck me over.

i'll miss you and i'll cry,
i'll stay cold and starving.
i'll try to isolate myself until the end of the week.
help is all i fucking seek.

i really thought we would make it.
teenage hope will bloom as a flower on my grave.
but all of this never even really mattered.
all you did was leave me shattered.