first blog entry >x<

um hello. I don't really know who will see this but I've kinda decided to make this my personal diary. I'm not going to put too much pressure on myself to make this cohesive or perfect I just want to get out what im feeling. So right now I'm at a point in life where i feel like i"m not getting anywhere. I have no friends and no social life at 21 years old. My job requires me to work all the time because i cant pay my bills otherwise. Its hella exhausting. I wish i was in college working to better myself and make more money to live a better life but im stuck as a cashier with no car and no future. it depresses me a lot but i try to stay positive me and my girlfriend get out sometimes together when were both off from work but i feel so unfulfilled in my life rn. i wish i was visiting all my favorite places and making friends but im stuck in this endless cycle of work eat home sleep repeat. 

maybe im just not supposed to be anything. as a kid i wanted to be a doctor and have a family and live in the countryside. and now i find that my dreams are more along the lines of hoping one day i can afford a car to drive to work. im not special or important just desperate to be the person i envision in my head everyday. the real girl inside of me i daydream about. i have so much happiness and kindness to share but its stuck inside my adult body. WHERE IS MY WHIMSY!!! its like one day i woke up and realized my childhood flew by me and i didnt enjoy any of it. 

i hope i can go back to school. get my life on track and be happy but it seems so far away from my daily life. i feel so trapped in my body and i have nightmares about death often. i grow flowers in a small pot on the side of the small house im renting out with my gf. small things like this give me happiness and i wish they made me feel more grateful but i just feel so sad knowing this is the only thing to look forward to.

i got invited last month to go to a club in a city about an hour away with some friends for the weekend. well really one friend she invited me last minute and i didnt know the other people i said yes at first. i bought a whole outfit and envisioned myself having the experience ive been dreaming about for years. but when i put on the outfit and saw my fat body i told my friend i wasnt going and stayed home. my excuse was i needed to pay rent and didnt have money to spend on a hotel (which partially was true) but it was really because i get so afraid when opportunities are right in my face. 

i go to the grocery store with my girlfriend and her mom (which i hate...) and i could make a whole other seperate entry about her fucking mother but maybe i"ll type that out another day. today i just wanted to rant. it feels good. anyways if ur reading this and relate send me a message :) i always need advice. 

bye bye <3