dont mind me

!!I am literally just typing idk what im even saying some of it might not make sense so!!

I'm so tired.
Idk who I'm writing this for idk who will read this i don't clearly remember anyone i knew on here but i just needed somewhere to
idk what i needed to do i just need something maybe just writing this will be enough
I'm tired
Some of the most important exams of my life are in less than a week but i
its stress i feel stress yes sorry if the way I'm writing is chaotic the stress doesn't make me motivated to do anything it just
it just makes me numb
and tired
I don't do anything. I don't change. I don't try. I don't improve. I don't try to work on my body. I try to fix one thing in my personality and then another problem sticks its ugly head out. I don't try to study. somethings missing. maybe I'm not as smart as i could be or as attractive as i could be or as nice as i could be if i tried. i mean i try to be nice. sometimes that backfires. i never really open up to anyone besides very few special people so i tried recently to maybe idk open up to someone new anddd didn't work out very well... Supposedly I'm cool... but really fucking weird and need to get help. and when i asked for more details they said they didn't know what help i needed. idk what i did wrong. there's only one person maybe on the face of the earth who cares. two maybe but yeaaa. in any case that person cares but at the same time just wont. choose me? kind of? its complicated i don't want to write too many details incase someone ik reads this but in any case i dont want to make this a diary either idk
This is very very chaotic so sorry for anyone reading this and trying to understand where im coming from its like 4am my brain is foggy and it isnt working very well.
Ive stopped my hobbies. Kinda? not really but at the same time im     disconnected kinda hard to explain
In any case I just
stare at my hands sometimes
I hate myself
I dont try
I dont try but i always want. I dont know fucking shit but i dream of things even scholars would give up. I dont have any strength in any sense of the word but i fantasize of having things and people who would vomit at the sight of my insides. Its always something i dont

I dont i dont i dont
What do i even do?
I read
I read a lot yeah i
Webnovels i guess mostly nowadays but i used to read books too albeit been slow on that
music is kinda helping in escaping right now but  i dont listen to it often
actually i might read a little too much i started rereading something and i read 800 chapters in less than a week... Anyhow
Important things maybe i should really try writing here
I tried writing a story or two
for one ive made three magic systems *sparkley sound effect* for the other someee of the lore is developing but the first one has some fleshed out lore
havent written allat lore yet tho lmao

maybe i would be fine if i went on walks with my friends like i used to
but again exams
i feel isolated

isnt it funny the only person who cares about me from the bottom of their heart still hasnt chosen me? isnt it funny theyre the only one there when noone else is
isnt it funny?

Maybe i should sleep im half sure im delirious as i write this
I hate
I am wrath
I am lust
I am envy
I am guilty
I am filthy
I am
I am disgusted when I see myself
I wouldn't love myself

Did you know transferable cancers exist? yes they do! but not in humans... they exist in the mysterious critters known as... tasmanian devils!!! Search it up on youtube, very interesting stuff
I want to become a zoologist
Kindof hard tho due to circumstances
maybe ill go into architecture
I like drawing
but i suck at maths though
I dont think i can type anymore
If i remember ill write another post or blog or whatever this is tmrw, and hopefully itll be something legible where the reader can actually understand what im saying

Goodnight
-If noone loves you (You, the reader) I do.