male centered

.. this is really just a rant about my own brain ..

okay so basically i feel like i'm kinda male centered and i hate it SO much. like SO SO much.

i don't talk about boys 24/7 and i don't throw myself at them, but when i like a boy he seems to be all i can think/talk about. i've only had like one boyfriend before and it was horrid but i've had many crushes. when i crush on a boy, i go crazy. i feel bad for my friends because he seems to be all i can talk about for a while. i'll repeat minor situations and talk about them for hours. i hate being this way though, i hate it so much. i hate the fact that my mood is heavily affected by whether or not a teenage BOY sends me a selfie or not. EW ?

i also hate it for the meer fact that i am a teenage girl. of course i get obsessed with silly little crushes! *i almost threw up in my mouth writing that.* i just feel like i'm giving in to the stupid "im just a girl!" stereotype- which i HATE with every bone in my body. 

i don't want to say that i "can't help it" because EW but that's how i feel. it just comes out and i hate that it affects me so much ! i've talked to my friend about it and they think it comes from loneliness (i do struggle with loneliness quite often. like, i like on a farm in the middle of nowhere with just my parents, i have like 2 close friends, i don't get invited to parties or hangouts, and i usually spend my time alone) but i don't know and i don't want to diagnose anything or put a serious(ish) reasoning behind something.

anywho, my blog will continue to be 99% about this boy i'm going to be talking to soon (i'm saying it like that because i am simply deciding that it's going to happen. MANIFESTTTT)