small rant on being gay

i sort of hate growing up gay in ireland. it feels like everyone around me is stuck with this weird “as long as you don’t exist around me, i wont kill you” mentality that i’m supposed to be thankful for. but i’m just not.
i never knew my parents were so anti-queer until i was on the receiving end of their judgement. the first time i remember feeling embarrassed of my sexuality was during a conversation with my parents. i was 9 and still convinced i was an ultra femme lesbian. i hadn’t told anyone, but my parents had picked up hints, like how clammy and awkward i got during discussions of marriage. we were all talking, and my mom made a weird joke about lesbians, something judgy disguised as support. i couldn’t think of a response, until my dad proudly stepped in, making some gross joke about porn. i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. i hated him for saying it, i hated my family for laughing, and i hated myself for being so hurt. it was, and still is, one of the loneliest feelings ive ever had.

 
loneliness. if you cracked open the queer experience, that’s all you’d find inside. there are so many connections i’ve lost, purely because people aren’t comfortable with talking to me. it’s so fucking stupid. they build up these ideas of what i am; a screaming liberal, an edgy emo, a freak lesbian. i’m punished for things i havent even done. my own parents have no clue who i am, all they see is “gay.” mum views me as some woke, feminist lesbian. i don’t even thinks she listens to the things i say, just the way i look. i try to be polite and thoughtful and outgoing, but everyday she tells me im the meanest asshole she knows. 

i grew up thinking we were a “woke” family, in a “woke” neighbourhood, in a “woke country,” but the truth is that all the hatred is just out of sight. i noticed it when i was younger, and it seems to get worse every time i see it. i dunno. is this just an irish thing?