maybe i should delete the pnkprotocol project

i was never cut out for being a vtuber anyway. atleast not at the moment i am right now.

i spend days just doing whatever and i dont even have the nick to go up from my bed. i wanted to be a vtuber at first because i felt lonely. maybe its my things but its always been like that. but now. now i dont know. i not made any progress and i know thats my own fault overall.

i dont draw, i cant talk long enough. my parents think this is all stupid, that i should make a curriculum and go find a job. i have tried to make one but what do you want me to put?

drop out college student with two failed years, no drive and passion for anything other than watching videos all day

i might just give it a week on this decision on deleting that account. if not i might just close the pnkprotocol all together. i am grateful to iko for drawing that desing, i owe. a lot. more than money even. but sadly i also cant give em that. so its better to dissapear. isnt that like i always do anyway?. i just left a sorry, no context more. and i think thats enough, what could i tell her? sorry i cannot pay you, sorry i can’t do this, sorry i cant use what you gave to its full potential. only sorry.

thats all.

in anycase, im still a dropout, with no job, no drive, no passion, and no idea what to do. i wanted to go back to practicing taekwondo. i didnt go because my anxiety got over myself. and not only that, why am i even lying to myself, i was lazy. i was LAZY. and now i hate it. because i miss doing it. i really cant have discipline even in the things i WANT to do.

i wanted to take a driving lesson, so i can get my license or just to learn how to drive a car. no money, and its too far. it would cost too much.

i might enter those small classes for pastries, but idk. at this point. what am i even doing.

i been passively suicidal all my life, of that i wont lie. and i am aware of it. i been waiting on it since i was 15. but that day never came. its been five years. i am 20 years old now. and i have made so many mistakes.

mistakes that i dont wanna associate with that version of myself i want my friends to see.

even more so now that im giving myself a week-month without them. i need to get my head straight. so goodbye discord, twitter, anything that could connect me to my online friends.

maybe its because i got scolded for 30 minutes by my parents, i know they want the best for me, and i see myself that im a person who attaches too quickly.

so i need to be away, isolation has always worked anyway. and im so close to deleting my discord for the pnk project too.

but idk.

ill give it a month

i have lost the thread of plot at this point but eh, i dont really care or more like cant. maybe having amind who focuses so much on problems is not that bad if it gets me to write this much

but not like i can write what i want. i have tried to write and rewrite and rewrite again my lore story which, fair. it will never be perfect. but honestly what am i even doing. thats not me. maybe a reflection of what i could have been, what i wanted or what i was. but never me.

i need to keep cleaning so. this little break was good atleast to unwind. i dont mind. ill see if i write more of it.

— ctrl out