19 April, 2026

19 April, 2026

10:21

I'm low-key struggling here.

I'm gonna preface and say that there will be mentions of self harm, disordered eating, substance use/abuse and other mental health-related topics. You have been warned.

-

I don't know what's been up with me recently..I was doing fine just 2 weeks ago. I started a new job, me and my fiance have been doing really well, we have a beach trip scheduled just next week. Yeah, I had some bad days, but most of them were good.

Last night was almost my breaking point. I was supposed to work all this week and I haven't worked a single day except for today. And of course, it's raining today. I work my first full 8 hours today at this new job and I am not looking forward to it. I want to call off today as well, but I really need to get my shit together and get back to working again. I'm tired of going through this constant cycle of emotions at every good thing in my life.

I'm not eating as much as I should and I haven't been for the past 2 weeks now. I haven't had these thoughts in quite some time now, and it scares me. 

I've been 2 years clean from self harm, and last night was the first time the thought of relapsing crossed my mind since then.

I've been 2 years clean from taking pills and last night was the first time I thought about taking them again.

I haven't slept very well recently, either. I think I got a collective 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days, but I don't feel tired. Mentally, I do, but not physically. I couldn't fall asleep until about 3 or 4 last night even though I really, really wanted to. My fiance fell asleep hours before I did, and she always tells me to wake her up if I can't sleep and she'll try to help but I haven't let myself do that to her. She needs her sleep. She wakes up earlier than I do to go to work. She normally doesn't sleep well anyways. I just want her to get a good night's sleep when she's with me.

Eating has become more of a chore to me recently, too. I haven't had the energy or motivation to actually eat real food other than ice pops. I had to force myself to eat a wrap yesterday for lunch, and a simple ham and cheese sandwich was like battling a war in my head. But I only ate because I knew that I had to eat. It's not like I had a bad day yesterday. I actually had a really good day. I spent the morning with my fiance at the market and a pop-up craft fair near where we live. I bought her things that I actually felt she'd like. We even had a little date night and made stuffed animal taxidermy, which was really fun.

I've been disassociating a lot recently, too. My mind has been so blank and empty that I feel distant from my own life. I feel like I'm in some kind of documentary about some boring kid's life and I'm the "main character" in the most non-egotistical way.

I just want to feel normal again.

But I feel like it's getting harder and harder every day.

I want to be better for my fiance. I want to be a better partner, brother, son, friend, coworker, uncle. I want to be so much more than I am right now. I have dreams of becoming a substance abuse counselor and tattoo artist, but that all seems so so so far away. I've been slacking on my chores around the house and I feel like shit about it because we've all been struggling in all our own ways recently.

After 2 years of not hurting myself on purpose and not even buying Benadryl for it's intended purposes, I haven't wanted to do it more than right now. I stopped doing these things for my fiance, and I don't want to go back to the way I was. I'd feel like I'm betraying her. But I can't stop but retreat back to those thoughts. I was more carefree. I didn't care about the consequences of my actions, which sounds extremely selfish, but it's true. I'd stay out of the house until around 2 in the morning, come home, use, then go about my night doing whatever until I either fell asleep or I had to get ready for school. I was high most of my high school life. Senior year was the only year where I didn't do anything harmful to myself or others. And that's weird for me to say now. I don't want to hurt myself or others. I care too much now, I'd say. Way too fucking much.

I want to remove my chest. I recently lost my hormone doctor and have to find a new one, but it's hard to find the motivation for that. And it's not like I don't want this, I really, really want this. I've been fighting for these hormones since I was 15. I've been wanting to look more into getting top surgery, but I need a hormone doctor first. The closest one that is through my healthcare is in a whole different state 4 hours away. I just want my chest gone. I hate it. I hate it so fucking much.

-

I have a lot more to say, but it's a little graphic for this website. So, I will save your eyes and brain from those things and put it Google Docs or my notes or some shit.

I'm sorry if this was a waste of your time, but I needed to at least get this off my chest. 

-Nicolas <3