vent i guess

i dont want to get better. i only try to because other people want me to, but i dont even want that either, in a way.

i dont want people to look at me and see how far ive come, the battles ive faced, the things ive overcome; i want them to see me for me, my personality, my favourite things. people seeing me improve makes me feel sick, and embarrassed for some reason.

the thing is, i dont want to be looked at like a human, either. i dont want to be seen for my actions, OR for my feelings, like i said id preffer be seen for my personality, and what i like. being human means being real, and i dont really want to feel real. i dont want to be forgiven because "humans make mistakes", i want to be forgiven because you forgive me.

i dont want people to see me and see a human with emotions, but at the same time, i dont want my feelings to be ignored. i dont want my feelings to not be taken into account when people make decisions that may affect me.

i dont want to be seen as an emotional human being, i want to be treated like a thing that's sentient. like an animal, i guess? we dont look at animals that hurt people and say "its okay, animals make mistakes!" but its not like we ignore that they feel things either. i suppose thats the best way i can think of to phrase this.

goodbye, gumballs (◞ ‸ ◟ㆀ)