the fear of vulnerability, and the means to turn it on its head

hi friends ^_^ song of the evening is, I'm sorry to say, drake's 'passionfruit'. it's at just the right tempo for me right now. please forgive me for listening to drake again /hj

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newton's third law of motion states that, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

with the wisdom of knowing that we, as energetic beings, experience the same push-and-pull as atoms do, we can apply such an insight to our encounters with others.

a few days ago I was reflecting on the sensation of a rigid emotional(?) barrier between myself and a friend of mine I'd experienced a few nights before, and wondered if it was precautionary in the sense that it was a reaction to what might lay beyond the need to 'draw a hard line in the sand', as opposed to the usual sense of dislike or mistrust. it was a guardedness that arose as a response to an excitement for the possibility of connection, and I figured that it must be a significant potential in order to necessitate such a strong response.

I'm trying to lean into this awareness. keyword 'trying'; just as how no plan survives first contact with the enemy, no conviction of mine to conduct myself a certain way survives first contact with Any man whatsoever, especially not in the moment. my body told me a while ago that it believes that being too present with them will lead to us being trapped in a dangerous, fearful situation with them, which was an incredibly valuable insight, but also a belief that'll take a lot of force to overcome.

maybe not 'force' so much as 'courage'. to let the person in front of me commune with- what feels like, at least- a terrible, gaping wound, and the defence mechanisms that formed around it, and to give these parts permission to soften and relax into the kindness we're being shown; to allow the sense of danger to fall away. I think part of why it's such a hard thing to achieve is that 9 times out of 10 I'm also trying to maintain some veneer of professionalism and/or light-hearted politeness, to mask my inner complexity and investment. I also don't know how to convey that hey mate, I like you, but you're coming at me with a level of sincerity that I don't know how to accept during work hours.

see also; 'accept'. to receive something. in my case, two $10 notes that I was to share with another coworker, the out-of-the-blue generosity of which she gawked at. in the moment I wanted to just forget about it and get on with my job, even though my heart was racing. it was only when I got home that I felt something I could actually put names to, like awe and gratitude. it took a few more days after that to let the pleasure of being randomly spoiled sink into my body and heart; and it was the result of a conscious decision I made to relinquish my need to feel independent of and unaffected by others. 

a quote I read shortly before starting this blog post- as the refined continuation of said previous reflection- goes as follows, and was supposedly coined by the buddha;

'no one saves us but ourselves. no one can and no one may. we ourselves must walk the path.'

considering this from a relational mindset, it became apparent to me that we save ourselves by acting radically to surrender ourselves to, in this case, the reality that people care about and treasure us. it was a very difficult pill to swallow, as was the realisation that this reality which I so craved could not affect me in the way I wanted it to until I decided that it was allowed to. that nobody was going to go out of their way to 'prove' to me that this was supposed to matter, or that I deserved it. for me to believe I deserved it, I had to feel deep within myself that I was worthy of it.

and also, that this act of saving ourselves is not conducted in a vacuum. this seems to be a common yet pervasive misconception; that we, as an individual, just have to achieve liberation on our own. but the truth is that, so long as we live in the world amongst other people, interdependence is just as important to this liberation that we seek as independence is. it's the acceptance of the reality that other people matter to us that allows us to save ourselves from self-minimising and limiting beliefs. in this way, by being willing to accept the help others offer us by being our mirror, we save ourselves from an infinitely greater amount of suffering.

I'd like to end with another quote, one I stumbled across the other night and that stuck with me.

'to trust someone is an act of generosity and the greatest courtesy you can pay them.'

I want to give myself over to trust. I will endeavour to be courageous in the trusting of others. I will also trust (ironically) that this courage serves me on a greater level, even if it's sticky and complicated on the human plane.

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thank you as always for being here, friends ^_^ I hope you're being shown warm love and care in your own lives. I hope you're one now step closer to relishing in it. be well, and I'll see you again soon ♡