Digital diary: I am a walking contradiction

No mater how many times I tell my self to pick a behavure, to pick a life.. I just dont.

I sign my self up for a race, spend time jogging, read self in provment books, eat clean, plant proper fasting,  polish my nails and so on. 
While at the same time I spend time planing parties, drink, gorge my self on carbs and suggar, rot my brain with reels, fast spontainuesly and line my arms with little red streaks.

I have multipal jobs but barely work and have to constantly be on the hunt for a new job, wile I wait to hear if I get in to the school I want.

I want to be relieble, use full and be the one family and friends can rely on. But at the same time I wish to wither away and let them bury me befor I have to bury them.

I'm aware that I do contradicting things and I if I am to be honest, I dont want to correct my behavure on ether end. I'm a mess, probubly always will be... Hopefully I will be a pretty mess in a few montsh tho <3 just a few kg to drop and then I can be atleast happy with  that side of life.