Digging back into the hole

Grief is stupid to live, it is never a linear experience. It is never sadness, then anger, then negotiation, then acceptance, then BOOM, you're fine now. NO. It's a constant fight with your own brain trying to rationalize incomplete thoughts or situations you wish you would do differently, and eating away your own rationale to feel "better" by pretending everything is okay and it's probably not your fault (entirely). Have you ever seen that chart where they show how grief really feels like?

Here, I found it:

The image can be found at the bottom of this entry. I can't move it anywhere :c

Anyway, these last few days have been a reminder of that. Feeling horrible again once the happy period of time ends. Thus the title. I dug back the hole I sealed up weeks ago. And now the daydreaming has become worse. I never imagined I would loose my mind wandering around a space like a husk, while dreaming awake. Scenarios that will never happen, my own mind trying to find solace in little theatrics using the memory of my loved ones as puppets. It sounds like the cave allegory of Plato. Sounds unhealthy too. I try to self regulate daily. Therapy techniques, breathing exercises, touching texture, sounds I carry in my phone to soothe myself. But funnily enough I always end up writing. Always. It's a good outlet. However, writing can only get you so far. It'll do for now. No money for anything means rawdogging mental illnesses just like that. It sounds cool? Yes. Is it ideal? Hell no. But those are the resources I have at hand. That, and a close friend group. If I were alone I would have blown my head off years ago. Thankfully I didn't. If I did, I wouldn't have met my best friend. 

We don't talk anymore. Mutual agreement. Calling myself Icarus for that mistake. 

I wish it weren't that way. But I suppose it is for the best, while constantly fighting urges to reach back. Just like holding down a bear 30x your weight. Thankfully, the bear never wins. So far. I trust myself. I'm not that miserable to do that. Too much pride in it. Too much desperation in it. Not that desperate.

My Plan A for not starving after graduating college failed, as the only place in my city that taught radiology tech certification removed it for unknown reasons. So Plan B is in effect! BECOMINGGGGGG........!!!!!!!!!...

a paramedic. 

Now, I know it sounds sweet, but bear in mind, I hate people. Not hate people as in I hate company. I only hate retail work. In a way, healthcare is a sort of customer service. Except the customers are stubborn, ignorant and sure of themselves. As always. The customer is always WRONG*. 

My only option here is a sort of expensive community college. I'd rather work as a paramedic for a few months to fund my radiology tech course so I can work in the area I want. 

I wanted radiology for two reasons:
 -love for xray imaging and inner workings of procedures.
 -i hate people.

radio techs are always in their office next to machines. only bothered when needed for a CT scan. And that's it. My dream job <3.

Strange, I am not sad anymore. See? I told you writing helps.

I hope I did not bore you too much.

Regards,
    -Icarus.

*if the customer has worked in retail, they cannot be stupid. They know how hard it is to deal with people.