worth it.

woke up to another beautiful day

next to two precious human beings

I felt so content, in that sunny breezy space. 

words were spoken, interpreted, reformatted to match what the child within has known.

minimize

minimize

minimize

it isn't right to do that, I know. 

so i take a shower, i love on my body, i take up that fucking space

>

return, 

shrink

shrink

the storyline here is different from back then... 

the angry parent isn't commanding me to shrink

the nasty bully isn't telling me how strange i am

and the way that i am treading backwards

slowly, SLOWER.

I see that this is all hurting so much

its a bulge in my chest that i can't fucking shrink-

so I hold it. 

I hold this nasty feeling, in the palms of my hands.

and though i still feel a sadness 

-great thunderclouds of grief-

I soothe my way back to existing here with you. 

To recognize that I miss you when I'm not present,

to sit, in this waiting room at your appointment-

I see how different you are. I see your rage, the way you care so much it feels volatile to be loved by you when you hurt for me.

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this human experience is far from perfect.. we can only live presently but memories of how it was a month ago, a year ago 5 years ago- we are haunted sometimes.

I have lit the flame to evict the ghosts from this place- this place- our love- OUR HOME.

This pain serves a purpose, it reminds me of the grief of loving so big and boldly. 

This human experience is nothing if not confusing, and to persevere, we must hold and be held...

with gentle care and compassion

amongst the gloom.