saying whatever i feel like

               i'm on book five of the gas station series, although this one and the last one were more like bottle episodes, with one having them trapped in the gas station, and this current one being a murder mystery. i think they might be filler considering this book series originated from a creepy pasta blog, which honestly makes sense, but i miss my og cast. i struggle with change and get attached to characters and sometimes if they get rid of enough people i struggle not to call it quits. i love this series though i think im just not a big fan of murder mysteries because they put me to sleep, and its two main characters and a bunch of strangers, i will persist though.

i've been spending an insane amount of time outside, i think it's done me a lot of good. there's a beautiful waterfall about a mile from my house, my girlfriend and i go there all the time. despite living in a small town we have a handful of beautiful parks and wilderness, so there isn't going to be a lack of things to discover for a very long time. i moved back to my home town about a year ago, and it's crazy how much you can miss once you leave the place you grew up and come back. things i never noticed or cared about as a child bring me so much joy today. i love how green the kansas grass is, how big and blue the sky is. i love seeing all the farm animals in their different sizes and colors. there's still so much to see, so much to learn, so much to appreciate. i want to learn about the plants i see when i hike and the birds i hear. i want to read the moon and the stars and the clouds.

i have no idea what i want to do with my life, i dont have a job, and that is a privilege i won't have forever. but despite it's lack of possibility in today's world, being so sure of wanting one thing in particular almost brings me comfort: i want to live first, and figure it out second. i want to be free i would rather be poor and live my life than work my ass off just for a two day break and a mediocre paycheck. ive been getting by as is and it is frustrating at times but its honest to god better than the meltdowns that are triggered when i have a job. something about feeling constrained makes me want to run like no other lmao. 

despite all of this i am looking for a job because not living in a basement would be nice. im not trying to go for anything big but fast foods the only sure fire job in this town and i cant bring myself to put the fries in the bag anymore, unless it literally comes down to everything. fast food is too much pressure from power trip managers about food thats overpriced and over policed, maybe thats not everyones experience but thats for sure mine. 

all this to say that all the aforementioned gas station content has made me long to be a clerk. i was once at an earthbound trading and it was the best job i ever had. i long to check people out and dust shelves, i even applied at the local farm supply store. i will update on the books and job hunt, but for now, goodbye. 

-ry