Yugo Weekly #3

This week was basically a continuation of the previous depressive episode. Like, damn, I keep feeling like I’m never good enough, that everything good in my life was undeserved, and if anything good did happen, it was just random chance and nothing good will ever happen again.

So yeah, what I did all week was… nothing. And even the usual ways I relax don’t really bring any joy. But by Thursday–Friday it got a lot better. Like, the depressed mood kind of shifted into this feeling where I don’t feel or think anything at all. And honestly, that’s kinda nice.

So there aren’t really any photos, since I didn’t leave the house. But check out this layout. Isn’t it cool? It’s inspired by my really old Linux tiling desktop setup.

Also had a deep talk with a friend. Vented a bit about stuff. Maybe I could put some quotes from our chat here. Or actually nah, I’ll probably just post that next week. Don’t really feel like it right now. In general, maybe I should start posting moments from the past. Feels like a good excuse to reflect on them a bit more deeply.

We also went for a walk on Saturday. I forgot my phone, so no photos, sorry. We went into Subway (which got renamed to “Subjoy” lol). Mostly walked around the southwest of Moscow. Probably the ugliest corporate residential areas I’ve ever seen. Living there must be a nightmare. Especially one “elite” residential complex that was completely fenced off and had a bridge from the inner courtyard straight into a private park — just so the rich don’t have to interact with the “common people” outside. Truly, the bourgeoisie are not human.

It’s honestly weird — who is this even for? Apartments there cost insane money even for people who earn a lot. And people who earn really a lot wouldn’t live there anyway, because it’s literally the ugliest area I’ve seen. Anyway, I love Khrushchyovkas and piss-soaked entrances.

I didn’t stop working out though, despite all this depressive crap. And I saw advice online that you should film yourself during workouts. I almost never take photos or videos of myself, because I don’t really see the point. But I tried it — and realized that while my chest is actually pretty well developed now, I’ve basically been neglecting my back, which is messing up my posture.

Also because I was doing pull-ups wrong. I used to just do them with my arms, not really engaging my back at all. Yeah, I can do 13 in a row now, but it’s still not great — I need to focus on proper technique so my back actually works.

So yeah, time to step back a bit and focus on back training and technique, not just reps.

Also updated my look a bit this week — got a pretty short haircut and shaved my beard completely. Last time I looked like this I was 18.

It doesn’t look bad, people even say it suits me. But the thing is, I’ve been through a lot of shit over the years, and it kind of matched my “hobo” aesthetic. Now I look like a school kid again (my face looks really young without a beard — sometimes people even doubt I’m 18).

Basically my inner persona is a bearded hobo, and it doesn’t really match my current appearance. Gonna have to get used to it.

Also, I originally just wanted a haircut. But if you have long hair and a beard — it means something, you know, some kind of vibe. If you have short hair and a beard — you just look like some random migrant worker, which isn’t great. So once I cut my hair, I had to shave too.

Also I don’t like that before it was obvious something was “off” about me, and now I just look normal. Gotta find some way to signal that God made me a bit… different.

Since I was already making changes, I bought a new gray T-shirt (I’ve basically been wearing the same black clothes for like 2 years, so this is progress). I buy clothes maybe once every 6–12 months, so this is a big event.

And to finish it off, I bought new sneakers. The old ones are still wearable, but still.

Before, my concept was to look like a hobo. Now I’m going more for a parody of a pull-up bar “sport guy,” except I have a higher education and all that extra stuff. (Stole Yura's look essentially (PAFL))

It’s so weird when dead relatives show up in dreams. Like, I don’t really care about them anymore — not in a bad way, just… it was so long ago. Sometimes I dream that my dad somehow survived but ended up paralyzed or something — like he avoided one fate by trading it for a “lighter” one.

This week I had a dream where I was in the room I’m living in now, trying to explain to him that even though I loved him, I actually felt freer in terms of self-expression after he died, and in some way I’m glad it happened. But he didn’t really listen, and I just started crying.

My face when I woke up: yeah.

Can you even turn off dreams like that? Because when people who are gone keep appearing in dreams, the way I remember them starts to change. They’re not static in dreams — they do things, evolve — and eventually they become completely different from who they actually were. And that’s annoying.

I guess it’s like that with all memories. Every time you replay them, they get less alive, more rigid. I can relive memories — sensations, smells, all that — but over time it fades anyway.

So I kind of prefer to just store them somewhere deep and not touch them. But then again… maybe that just means I’m forgetting them.

Weird topic.